(En)Be proud!

Hello, sweethearts!

Huh? It's already June? Last one has just been... A year ago. Well, time is weird, isn't it?

I have to admit, this year's Pride Month is special for me. It's the first one since I came out as genderfluid femandrogyne. First one I'm celebrating not only as a biromantic ace, but also as an enby. My first Pride Month as a trans person. 'Cause yes, non-binary people belong under a trans umbrella – that's what the white stripe of the flag symbolizes.

I came out in January and, I have to admit, I've never felt so peaceful with myself like I'm feeling now. With both my body and my mind. Coming out and the support I received with it has given me so much strength, I can barely believe that. I finally feel comfortable with who I am and how I am. I love myself. And I love my gender.

And this is what I want to wish you all: a lot of self-love, comfort and acceptance. You deserve it. You are valid.

Happy Pride, sweethearts! 💜

You can find high quality, downloadable version of this image on my DeviantArt!

The hair story

Almost my whole childhood I used to have long hair. Shiny, thick, with deeply brown colour – the same as my grandma's. I used to wear it in braid, which was so heavy, it would made a nice weapon. Little me was extremely proud of it.

But then I went to school.

You see, long hair may be beautiful, but can also be extremely troublesome, especially when you're a child. Washing and drying mine took hours, same with brushing. I wore it in braid 'cause I had no other choice – wearing it down or as a ponytail tangled it as hell. It used to get caught in school's chairs' loose screws every time I sat down. And, last but not least, boys at my class always bullied me by pulling my braid (of course, no adult reacted to it, "boys will be boys" and similar shit).

I was 10, when I snapped and decided to cut my hair.

Of course, it wasn't an easy decision... Or rather my family didn't take it well. I had been growing my hair basically my whole life, 10 fucking years. I could sit on it. But still, I wanted to have it cut as short as possible.

And I did it. Of course, I needed to convince my parents that yes, I REALLY wanted it. And, later, I took the braid (I asked the hairdresser to give it to me instead if throwing it away) and gifted it to my grandma, 'cause she didn't like the fact I got rid of my hair. I felt like I was making a bizarre offering to hair gods.

But hey, I finally had a new haircut! My bob reached barely below my ears and didn't look bad.

Of course, it was only a beginning of the story of my hairstyle.

For rest of the primary school and then junior high I couldn't decide on what I want to do with my hair. I grew it, then have it cut, then grew it again, then got impatient and have it cut etc., you know the drill. There were also times, when I had a fringe and fuck, never again. But still, no matter what I did, it still wasn't the hairstyle I wanted to keep.

I don't remember, when I got an idea for asymmetrical haircut. My mom didn't agree on me having all of my hair on one side (and believe me or not, but mom's advice was sacred for me), so I settled with having one side shorter than the other. No shaving, the difference was of several centimetres. On the beginning of high school I also got front of my hair bleached to platinum blonde – I just wanted it to be bicolour.

Time passed, the difference in length between both sides of my hair grew bigger – I kept right half long and had left one cut short. At one point I also started dying the bleached part (what a surprise) purple – my favourite colour. Then I got more hair bleached and dyed purple. Then more.

I was on first year of studies (then it was medical chemistry), when I had my whole head dyed purple. And, while I loved it, it still wasn't enough. I still wasn't entirely comfortable with my hair, something was missing.

Some time later I remembered a photo of Skrillex I saw in high school and then I realised – a sidecut. What I was missing was a sidecut.

Of course, my family advised me against it. Cutting your hair short is one thing, having part of it completely shaved was another one. I listened to them... For a while. Several months ago I went full "oh, fuck it" and, after being hyped by my friends and my therapist, I asked my hairdresser to shave left half of my head. And guess what?

That was it. That was exactly what I wanted. The moment I looked in the mirror after the hairdresser finished working was the moment when I finally felt good with my hair.

When I finally felt that the goth, that was looking back at me, was... Well, me.

***

Lately I've started braiding my hair. Of course, many people joke, that I'm coming back to my roots.

I wouldn't call it like that.

As a child, I had to wear my hair braided. It was more convenient this way. Also, my family liked it. Now I'm doing it, 'cause I want to. 'Cause I am the one who really wants it.

You see, my haircut has more meaning than "looking good". For me it's a way of owning my appearance. The years of experiments with cuts and colours weren't supposed to find something I look good with – if I only cared about how my hairstyle looks like to others, I'd probably have asked the hairdresser to make me look fancy or something. I wanted to find a look that expressed who I am. To match my outside with who I am on the inside.

Of course, it's not the end. Now, when I finally found a cut I feel comfortable with, I want to grow the non-shaved part. My goal is to have it reach my lower ribs and I think that I'm actually capable of achieving it. I'm patient. And the most important thing: even now I'm satisfied with my look.

Bible and panties or y'all need a sexuologist

Content warning: this post deals with topics like religion and sexuality.

 

There are movies that are quite easy to write about. You watch them, have some thoughts about them, write it down, post, done. There are also movies that are horrible to write about, because no matter how long you will sit at the computer, thinking, you can't form any coherent sentences. Sometimes it's because they make no sense at all. Sometimes there is so little content in the film itself, it's impossible to write about it at all.

Sion Sono's "Love Exposure" doesn't belong to any of these categories. I mean, it is a reviewer's nightmare, but for completely different reasons. It makes sense. Painfully a lot of sense. And yeah, it has loads of content. Four hours of content so tightly packed that after I finished watching, my only thought was "how the fuck am I supposed to write about it?!".

To be honest, I don't know if I should put spoiler alert here. I mean, yeah, I will probably give out some plot twists... But it's hard to pinpoint what is a spoiler and what is not when the film is that long and has so many subplots, so... Nah, let's just state you're proceeding on your own risk, okay?

To be honest, this is one, big "Proceed at your own risk: The Movie", but for different reasons.

In the beginning we're introduced to Yū – a boy living with his loving parents, who also happen to be devoted Catholics. They bring him up in faith, his mother even tells him that he should find himself a girlfriend, who is like Virgin Mary. When Yū is still a child, his mother dies. Some time later, his father, Tetsu, becomes a priest and they both start living at the presbytery. However, family bliss gets disrupted when Tetsu falls for a new worshipper in his church, Kaori, with whom he starts secretly dating. Three months later Kaori gets tired of keeping their relationship secret and leaves him for a younger man. Heartbroken, Tetsu changes and from loving father and kind priest he turns into a monster. Not only his sermons become more and more scary, he also starts pestering Yū to confess his sins daily. Having nothing serious to confess (he's just a highschooler, actually a very sensitive one), he first starts lying about it and committing petty mischiefs and then, when Tetsu still isn't satisfied, Yū starts committing crimes, so he would have sins to confess. This is how he meets Takahiro, Yūji and Senpai – three delinquents, who find his antics amusing and introduce him to the gang they're in. Later all four get involved in tōsatsu – taking photos of underwear of unsuspecting women. When, some time later, they're comparing photos, Yū loses a bet on whose photo is better. As a punishment he has to go out dressed in women's clothes, find a girl he likes, kiss her and confess her love. This is how he meets Yōko – a girl he falls in love from the first sight, his "Virgin Mary". However, there are two problems. Primo, Yōko falls in love with Miss Sasori – Yū's drag alter ego. Secundo, everything that happens seems to be overseen and partially orchestrated by Koike – mysterious second-in-command of a shady cult, Church Zero, who seems to be infatuated with Yū and, who swears to make Yū's family join Church Zero.

And if you think that I've already told you whole movie, no, I haven't. This is roughly first hour. First of four.

Four hours and not a single minute of boredom! Amazing, isn't it?

While Yū is the main character of the movie, during first half the point of view alternates between him, Yōko and Koike. All three talk about their pasts and narrate through several events. Thanks to that we quickly learn that, despite coming from completely different families, they have a lot in common. Firstly, they all got hurt by their fathers: Yū was constantly tormented to confess (actually, quite common thing in catholic church, but I'll talk about it later), Koike was beaten, because of her "sinful body" and Yōko was molested. Thanks to that, they all have problems understanding and expressing love and desire. What's interesting, Yōko is the only one from all three, who is able to come to terms with her sexuality. Of course, her hatred towards all men (except Kurt Cobain, he's cool) is very unhealthy, but understandable. Also, when she realises she may be a lesbian and is in love with Miss Sasori, after initial confusion (which is totally normal, it's her first serious crush after all) she calmly accepts it. More, she happily flirts with Sasori, wants to keep in touch with her and celebrates her feelings. She just behaves like a normal teenager in love, which contrasts a lot with Yū's and Koike's obsessions.

Generally, most of characters' problems come from their lack of sexual education and, generally, repressing their sexualities. The most obvious one is Tetsu. As a priest he has to live in celibate, but he's not capable of doing so and, when Kaori starts courting him, he quickly complies. Later he can't accept that he has so little self-control and lashes out on his son. Yū was brought up in a purity culture and has no idea what's going on with his body, mistaking desire and true love (especially visible in his monologues about erection and Yōko's panties). Also, instead of looking for a partner, a person he would like and feel safe with, he's fixated on a Virgin Mary archetype and, when he finally finds his "Mary", gets completely obsessed with her. He doesn't understand that Yōko isn't interested in him and, instead of telling her the truth about Miss Sasori and moving on, he keeps the masquerade. No surprise that later Yōko feels incredibly betrayed by him.

Koike is the most interesting case here. At first glance, she seems to be a typical antagonist. She's a cold-blooded manipulator, who plays with people like with puppets. She even sees other cultists as expendable resources. There is a reason for this, though: all Koike's psychopathic tendencies come form the fact she was abused as a child. Her father drove her mad and, later, Church Zero finished the job with their brainwashing. She finds Yū interesting, because of their similarities. She also develops an obsession with her object of desire and later, when she realises she can't get him no matter what, she breaks down violently. Damn, even before this she starts slowly losing her composure, the biggest example being the scene when she plays with her pet bird, repeating the same mantra her father used to make her say. However, at the same time, Koike often seems to be the only reasonable character in the movie. She is right, when she calls Yū out for his lies or blames Tetsu for his son's behaviour.

For me, she's one of the most sympathetic characters here, just after Yōko.

I like how this movie portrays most problematic parts of Catholicism. Actually, from what I've observed (I'm speaking from a perspective of a person living in Poland, I don't know how it looks like in other countries), this religion tends to be very guilt-tripping, and destroying people's sense of self-worth is a common practice. I can't count how many times I was told to go to confession despite having nothing to confess... And how many times I later heard, that something completely normal is deemed sinful. Like, you know, being young, full of hormones and being interested in sex. The "we're sinful and can't see this, which is even worse" approach is real and extremely toxic – instead of focusing on good things and our own personal growth, we have to constantly think about how horrible we are (even, if we're just being human), because if we don't do that, then we are proud and this is a sin. And we can't sin, 'cause even if we are good people, it'll send us to hell. Fuck, I'll be honest with you: thanks to constantly hearing things like that (and many other, but it's a story for different occasion) in young age, I developed some kind of Catholicism-related trauma, which I'm still fighting with. So yeah, despite the fact "Love Exposure" takes some things to its logical extreme (like Yū sinning just to be able to confess and please his father... Which can be an example of what blind devotion to the family can do to a person), its first act was uncomfortably relatable for me.

"Love Exposure" also calls out Church's hypocrisy. Firstly, we have Tetsu – a priest, who breaks celibate. Despite that, he still has no problem for yelling and even beating Yū, after he learns about his engagement in tōsatsu. Later, when Tetsu decides to leave priesthood, he isn't allowed to do that. You know, despite the fact he did more evil than good. Next, there are priests, whom Yū and his friends ask for help with freeing Yōko from Church Zero. They refuse, deeming helping her impossible. They also look down at boys, because they started working in porn industry some time earlier... Which is pretty ironic, given the fact that Takahiro, Yūji and Senpai are probably the most decent characters in the whole film. Of course, they aren't crystal clear: they commit various crimes, including upskirt photography, but at least they aren't malicious. They do that, because they are young, dumb and rebellious and probably don't understand fully the consequences. As people, Takahiro, Yūji and Senpai are really kind. Their friendship with Yū is genuine and they never stop supporting him (the scene, when they find Yū lying on the street in rain, take him to their hideout and comfort him, is one of the most heart-warming moments in the cinema). And call me naive, but I think that if, instead of just calling them perverts, someone actually explained them how harmful upskirting is, they would stop it immediately.

A group of teenage delinquents being nicer characters than priests? Why am I not surprised?

"Love Exposure" was meant to cross all lines and it does it perfectly. The most obvious is its portrayal of church and religion, which may be deemed offensive, even blasphemous. The movie also tackles really serious topics, like sexual abuse, and then drowns them in litres of fake blood and dick jokes. In general, nothing here is taken seriously. However, everything is deliberate. Immature humour is justified by main characters being horny teenagers. Exaggerated behaviour of Catholics points to real problems with religion. And shock makes it harder to forget, what the authors wanted to say.

The eccentricity is also evident in audiovisual side. Montage is very dynamic, which is amplified with a little bit shaky (and dirty. I caught myself trying to scrub a dirt from my screen, only to realise it was in the film) camera. The visual effects often look cheap and fake (fountains of bright blood are first thing that comes to mind). In general, there is a huge amount of staginess, with characters behaving over-the-top and unnatural. There is also pathos. A lot of pathos (Yōko yelling quoted from Corinthians with Beethoven in the background is unarguably my favourite moment). And weird, out-of-place visual metaphors. And it all somehow works perfectly, bringing a lot of enjoyment.

Asserting dominance via T-posing? Yeah, sure, why not?

While I enjoyed whole film, there is one thing that keeps bothering me: the epilogue. And I think it's a good moment to put here a big

SPOILER ALERT!!!

for obvious reasons.

Don't understand me wrong, the epilogue is fine... For most part. It slows down the story and smoothly closes the subplots. However, I don't like the fact that Yū and Yōko ended together. Yōko falling in love with Yū completely subverts what she was bringing into the story: an example of a person being happy with their sexuality. More, it almost feels like Yū's "true love" cured her from being a lesbian, which, even if it wasn't deliberate, still sounds homophobic (big "thank you!" to my ex-girlfriend for pointing it out, you're great). At the same time, whole Yū's character development went fuck itself: he lied and acted like a total creep and still got what he wanted. Of course, he went to hell and back for it, sacrificing his own sanity to expose Church Zero, but he did it because of his obsession with Yōko. Him getting the girl means that no matter, how much someone hates you, if you are persistent enough, you will make this person love you. Which isn't very healthy message. I think the ending would be much better, if Yōko found a nice girlfriend and moved on.

End of spoilers.

Actually, despite the ending, I really liked the movie. "Love Exposure" is a wild ride, definitely worth experiencing. However, I'm not sure if I can recommend it. If you aren't bothered by immature humour, explicitness and long runtime, then you can give it a try. But be prepared for everything.

And don't even try complaining that I didn't warn you.

Image sources:

Poster: https://asianwiki.com/File:Love_Exposure_(2008-Japan).jpg

Stills were screenshot from the official trailer and belong to movie's distributor, Omega Project.

The trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmyTu2ixu_c

Lockdown, day... What day is it?

Actually, leaving the house isn't illegal (yet) as long as you wear a mask, but I still feel weird when I go out. Any pros of this situation? I can wear my badass anti-pollution mask and no one comments on it.

Okay, I know I shouldn't leave my flat at all (except for emergencies), but I can feel how I'm slowly descending into madness at home. Going for a walk is a fucking part of self-care.

Apropos self-care...

E-learning is great...

...except for the fact, it isn't. I mean, while staying at home and not having to commute to the university is quite nice (at least I can sleep longer), the rest isn't. Now I'm so overwhelmed with work I barely have time for anything else. Also, let's be honest: e-learning apps tend to be problematic. Servers are constantly overloaded and sometimes it's impossible to have any on-line classes without any technical problems. And when I don't have technical problems, I have more, well, human-based problems: it's just hard for me to keep track of the classes, homework, deadlines and other shit like that. Generally, I have problems dealing with the actual situation, which stresses me as hell.

To deal with it, I decided to make a bingo. I based it on mine and my friends' experiences with e-learning.

It isn't the best bingo in the world, but I'm still proud of it.

You can download it from my DeviantArt account: https://www.deviantart.com/kiki-the-autogoth/art/E-learning-bingo-837483211

Feel free to do the bingo and post your results on-line! Have fun and take care, sweethearts!

It's Corona Time

Before the whole shit started properly, I had been already tired of it.

I'm not a person, who watches news on TV or reads newspapers, so I missed the very beginning of the pandemic. I mean, I was receiving some signals about it, but I didn't care that much. I only got concerned when I realised someone I know and care about was in China at the same time the whole mess started getting serious. Fortunately, she's fine. More, after coming back to Poland she assured me the epidemic wasn't as bad as media was painting it. I felt relieved.

The relief lasted short. Very short.

When I heard about COVID-19 appearing in Europe, I pretended I didn't care. However, deep inside, I was afraid. I was afraid of the plague. Of the quarantine. Of the virus coming to Poland. Of having my life disrupted. But I tried to hide it. I was acting cold and indifferent, criticizing the quickly escalating panic and people, who made laughs of the epidemic. I quickly became fed up of the topic. Not that it was difficult – wherever I went, someone was mentioning coronavirus. Acting with slight disdain towards it was my only way of fighting with growing fear.

And then shit hit the fan.

When information about first instances of COVID-19 in Poland came out, people went absolutely mad. They were buying unholy amounts of soap and antiseptic gel, wearing surgical masks and basically hoarding supplies. You know, like world was about to end. My pole dance trainer even told my group she had problems with getting spirit to make pole-cleaning solution.

I shrugged it all off. People were just panicking, right?

Right.

And then my university cancelled all classes.

Shit, that escalated quickly. 

***

Due to horrible pollen allergy, I have constantly running nose.

Last Tuesday I was coming home by bus. At one point, I sneezed. Actually, it was a pretty elegant sneeze – not too loud, with mouth and nose covered with arm.

Fuck, just ordinary sneeze by ordinary person. And yet an older lady, who was sitting next to me, ran to the other end of the bus like she was being chased.

***

I mentioned people started to hoard supplies, yeah? Well, you can only imagine what's happening now.

On Wednesday I had to do some shopping. The drug store I was to got rummaged some time earlier. People had bought all soaps, antiseptics, toilet paper, wet tissues... And condoms. No, really.

When I entered my neighbourhood's hypermarket, I was greeted with empty shelves and freezers. To be honest, it looked like it had been visited by people preparing to zombie apocalypse. Frozen food, canned food, noodles, rice, sanitary pads, tissues, toilet paper, most things were already gone. I couldn't even find bloody lactose-free butter. Holy shit, what were people going to do with such absurd amounts of frozen meat, butter and condoms?!

.

.

.

You know, actually, I don't want to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

***

I'm torn.

My rational side insists on being distanced and collected. However, my emotional one has already gone crazy with fear. And I sway between these two states. One moment I'm calmly discussing with others if Polish government is doing well with containment procedures. Half an hour later I'm wildly washing my hands and disinfecting my cell phone (and mind the fact I've been a hygiene freak for most of my life, so if I do some more washing than usual it means the situation is really bad). In the morning I exchange coronavirus memes and plague doctors GIFs with my best friend. In the evening I cry, because I'm worried about my friends and family.

I feel overwhelmed. I want to leave my house. To attend some classes. To meet my best friend and eat together at my favourite Asian restaurant.

I. Want. This. Madness. To. End.

But this madness seems to have different plans.

***

So, what am I going to do now?

First thing, stay sane. Somehow. It will be difficult, given the fact I succumb to panic pretty easily (media having only bad news about the virus definitely don't help), but I can't let some stupid virus mess with me. At least not without fight.

Secondly: stay healthy. I don't want to catch something and then infect my family.

And last, but not least: stay at home. My university has already started preparations to on-line courses. Also, I want to catch up with books and drawing. And movies. And games. And sleep.

There is no thing like "too much sleep".

And I recommend you doing the same.

Stay safe, sweethearts! Remember to wash your hands! And don't let the overall panic take over your lives!

What measure is a Non-Goth?

There is a Facebook group I belong to. The group focuses on a certain gothic festival. Because of that members often exchange musical recommendations. Normal thing, right? Of course. However, I noticed a rather worrying tendency: some recommendations get bashed by other members as "not goth enough". I would (kinda) understand that, if said recommendations weren't... Well, gothic bands. Or dark music. Or weren't connected to gothic aesthetics in other ways. Anyway, last week someone asked if Kamijo's solo project would match the festival. As expected, people started to comment that it's "not goth enough"... And then someone wrote that music by visual kei artists "is only listened by teenage girls in pink dresses".

This was the moment my annoyance reached zenith. There are three reasons.

Primo: I'M A GOTH AND I LISTEN TO VISUAL KEI BANDS, DOES IT FUCKING MAKE ME LESS GOTH, DEAR FACEBOOK USER?! *cleans her throat* I mean, I felt slightly offended.

Second reason is somehow connected to the first one: who has the right to judge if something is or isn't gothic enough?

As long as subcultures/music genres/aesthetic styles/things like that exist, there's always been a question: is something X enough? The answer isn't usually simple (except for extremities, of course). For example, gothic subculture embraces various ways of expression: music, clothes, make up, visual art, attitude etc. That allows great diversity among goths. However, many people don't understand the concept and narrow being a goth to wearing "appropriately gothic" clothes and listening to dark music (usually only old bands, newer ones aren't "true"). This leads to many misunderstandings, because for people like that if someone doesn't look typically goth, then isn't goth at all.

"Typically goth" usually means something like that. BTW This look slays.

However, it's very unlikely to meet someone who has full-blown goth appearance all the time. While people like this exist (and I'm really impressed by them), they are minority. Reason is simple: fancy gothic style, while beautiful, isn't convenient for everyday life. Art by Andi often addresses this issue. Gothic clothes tend to be slightly uncomfortable (to be honest, I find all skirts and dresses quite uncomfortable...) and gothic make up takes time.

Damn, for me make up ALWAYS takes a lot of time and when I have to decide between making myself up and sleeping longer... Well, one look gives away what my sleep-deprived brain always chooses. Same thing with clothes – it's much easier to see me in my adorable eevee hoodie than frilly gothic top. When I spend most day at the university, comfort is a priority, especially, if my health issues kick in...

Other thing are stereotypes. Some people believe goths are always sad, pale brunettes and don't accept other variants. Truth is, the fact someone is goth doesn't mean they must be sad, have pale skin and black hair. Similarly, sad, pale brunettes don't have to be goth – they can be, for example, Japanese ghosts.

No, I don't say being Japanese ghost bans someone from being goth.

Qualifying music as goth/non-goth is also problematic. Generally, assigning music genres is problematic. Usually I just check what musicians themself say about their creations – they know the best what they make. And when it comes to judging "suitability for goths"... Is it dark? Does it have gothic vibe? Yes? Then it is suitable for goths.

Of course, it doesn't mean listening to non-goth music and, generally, liking non-goth things make someone less goth. Fuck, you can listen whatever you like and dress whatever you like and as long as you think you are a goth – you are a goth. No one, I say, NO ONE has right to judge if you are or aren't a goth. You think your attitude and interests match gothic subculture? You like dark things? You feel you are a goth with your whole black heart? Then you. Are. A. Goth. Amen.

(What I said also applies to other subcultures and similar, I just focused on goths because I am one).

Last but not least, third reason: the comment about teenagers in pink dresses basically oozed with disdain. In context it sounded like being a teenage girl, wearing pink dress and listening to visual kei artists was something bad or, at least, worse than being "truly goth". Okay, I understand that dividing society in groups (subcultures, fandoms etc.) always leads to perceiving people from outside particular group as "others". But does it mean said "others" are worse just because they aren't "one of us"? Hell, no!

Judging people by their interests and styles has always been one of human's worst flaws. De gustibus non est disputandum, they say, and yet many people look down on others because of their likings. I don't believe there are people who have never done that. Damn, even I am guilty of it. When I was younger, I used to divide music into "good music" (this is, music I like) and "bad music" (the rest). It took me years to finally realise there is no such thing as "bad music". There exist songs that are weak technically (off tone vocals, poor instrumentals etc.). There are artists who have toxic personality and let it show in their compositions. THIS is what I can eventually call "bad music". But the fact I don't like something doesn't mean it's bad and people who enjoy it aren't worth my time! Unfortunately, many people don't understand that. Result? Some time ago I stumbled upon a confession of a metalhead who felt ashamed because he liked cute idol groups.

I'm not surprised he liked them, cute idol groups are amazing.

When I observe people arguing over tastes, I always wonder: why can't they just accept others' opinions? As long as nobody gets hurt, all of them are fine. Even, if someone's taste may seem weird, they shouldn't be ashamed of it. Shame on people who look down on others. And, who try to force their tastes on others.

One last thing: the fact an artist has many teenage fans doesn't mean their works are childish and shallow and shouldn't be enjoyed by adults. They are just liked by teenagers. That's all.


By the way, most fans of visual kei are adults. They aren't only women either. But given the popularity of certain stereotypes, I'm not surprised many people don't know that...






Image sources:
Typical goth: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/982349-goth
Sadako: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0178868/mediaviewer/rm3065930496
Dreamcatcher group photo: https://twitter.com/hf_dreamcatcher/status/1231548923484856320 

Life OST: My Ex Index

Hello, sweethearts!

I'll be honest: my love life is a fucking disaster.
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Okay, maybe I'm overreacting a little bit. But when I talk with my friends about love and see, that most of people in my surroundings have someone, I start wondering what's wrong with me. I've already been in two relationships, but both ended in less than two months. My first relationship was... Pretty complicated. Long story short, I dated a nice boy, who later turned out to be a toxic liar (I have to admit, he apologised... A year later. Via Messenger. Fuck, he could at least call me!). My second one was with a girl from my university and we are still friends – she's lovely, kind and talking with her is pure pleasure.

Why am I talking about that? Well, because of my varied experience with breakups I associate different songs with this topic (and my both exes). And this post will be about these particular songs. Enjoy!

Bring Me The Horizon "Go To Hell, For Heaven's Sake"

I started listening Bring Me The Horizon shortly after I got dumped by my boyfriend and I fell in love instantly. Their heavy music and Ollie's aggressive screaming corresponded with my mood pretty well – I was both pissed at my ex and heartbroken at the same time. I was also pissed at myself, because I didn't have enough courage to tell him what I thought. This song matches all my emotions, especially disappointment, that the person I loved turned out completely different than they seemed. And anger. Massive anger.

MY FIRST STORY "Last Call"

This song is quite similar to the previous one when it comes to emotions. However, there is one major difference: in this one there is also sorrow. Of course, Ollie also sings about broken heart, but Hiro is more straightforward about feelings. It's easy to hear that his rage is fuelled with sadness. His vocal is so emotional, it's easy to identify with the lyrics. Listening to "Last Call" has really cathartic effect for me.

BlutEngel "The War Between Us"

Aftermath of a break-up. A violent break-up. Actually, it sums up how I get on with my ex-boyfriend pretty well – I don't. I hate him. We don't talk, we don't meet, but I want to punch him in the face (and mind the fact I'm a rather pacifistic person). I just can't forgive him...

Creep-P fest. Hatsune Miku "Cotton Candy"

The fact this song is about perfect relationship unexpectedly going awful makes it very relatable. I remember how much I was crying while listening to it after the first break-up. Three years have passed and "Cotton Candy" still reminds me about this sadness. But I like Creep-P's works too much to stop listening to this song. The electronics are just amazing.

Sweet Revenge feat. Megurine Luka "Forbidden Happiness"

This song doesn't remind me about any of my exes, but it matches the topic and I like it very much. I adore the melody, the lyrics and the way Luka sings. Actually, it was one of my first vocaloid songs ever and I think I wouldn't have got so much into vocal synthesizers if I hadn't found Sweet Revenge's music.

Illumenium feat. MYrK "My Last Cocaine"

[This song's music video isn't public on YouTube, so I'll just leave a link to the Facebook post.]

For some weird reason (maybe it was something she said or the fact I was madly in love to the point of craziness, I don't know) shortly after we begun dating I started associating this song with my then girlfriend and it just stuck. I don't think it's bad. As I mentioned, we get on really well and listening to "My Last Cocaine" brings me memories of the happiness I felt while being in that relationship. Damn, even if it ended I'm still pretty happy. Have I already said how awesome my ex-girlfriend is?

Solar Fake "The Pain That Kills You Too"

I got hooked up on this song shortly after my second break-up. It was a very peaceful one, but I think it's understandable I was a little bit heartbroken. This song really helped me cope with it. Maybe it was the topic of not wanting to hurt the other person, maybe it was the soothing melody line and the emotions in Svens voice, I'm not sure. What really matters is how relieved I felt while listening... And the fact I'm not heartbroken any more. I'm glad I and my ex-girlfriend are friends and hope it won't change.

Thom Yorke "Unmade"

Actually, I could put whole "Suspiria's" soundtrack here... Before we started dating, I took my ex-girlfriend to the cinema to this movie. We both enjoyed it and I still think it was one of the best cinema shows in my whole life.


As you can see (hear?), the songs vary depending on who I associate particular ones with. I think the Aesop coming from my both relationships is pretty simple: it's the end that matters the most. Being amicable exes isn't difficult, you just need to talk it over and be respectful.

Damn, I didn't plan to end this post with such a preachy text, but I just couldn't help...

New Year, same old shit?

First day of year 2020. While I'm writing these words, I'm still a little bit sleepy (nothing surprising, I got up just before noon, which is strange even for me). Music is playing in the background and a peach-scented candle is burning in my room. To be honest, nothing special.

Since yesterday, the internet has been going crazy. Everyone is summing up the year 2019, posting New Year's resolutions, making wishes, trying to predict how the future will look like... The cynic side of me keeps saying I shouldn't be very optimistic. The political situation isn't very promising, Earth is facing a climate apocalypse, patriarchy still exists, generally: 2019 was shitty and 2020 won't be better.

But global problems aside, personally I don't think 2019 was very bad. If I had to describe it with only one world, I would choose "crazy".

2019 started in a really horrible way: I fell sick on New Year's Eve and was on antibiotics for next several days (fun fact: I still have no bloody idea what sickness it actually was, neither know my doctors). Some time later, in February, my girlfriend broke up with me. However, after all this time I don't think it was that bad. We remained friends: my ex-girlfriend is an absolutely kind and adorable person and it's hard not to like her.

But the more into 2019, the better it get. I finally found the courage to quit studies I hated (bye, bye medical chemistry, I won't miss you!) and enrol to something else. Since October I've been officially studying history of art and, even if I sometimes complain about the shitload of work I have to do (the fact I tend to procrastinate while complaining about the shitload of work and then procrastinate while complaining about both the shitload of work and lack of time to do it doesn't help), I still love every single moment of it.

Also, 2019 is my first year as a Pokemon trainer and I have to say I'm doing greatly. I've already hit 36th level, caught many amazing Pokemon (including whole Eevee army – I don't joke, I have over one hundred of them) and discovered several interesting places in my city. To be honest, I've never thought playing "Pokemon GO" would give me so much joy.

2019 was also a year of discovering new music (according to Spotify, I started to listen to 160 artists. Pretty impressive, isn't it?), movies and manga (I've read whole "Franken Fran", "Deadman Wonderland", a lot of Junji Ito's stories and more). I've also got back to drawing, learnt epic pole dance figures, made progress in learning Japanese and, of course, became more active on web. In general, it was very busy year.

2019's end was great. When the clock stroke midnight, I was with my best friend. Marilyn Manson's "This Is The New Shit" was blasting in the background and we were having a lot of fun. We spent whole New Year's Eve watching movies, laughing at silly YouTubers and doing dumb personality tests like "How did your previous incarnation died?" (mine got killed in Chernobyl's catastrophe. I have to say, it's oddly appropriate). I loved it.

First day of year 2020. I want to wish you everything the best. May the beginning year be full of hope and love.
Happy New Year, sweethearts!

Life OST: Numbing emotional pain

Hello, sweethearts!

For me, one of the most difficult things in the world is talking about feelings. Doesn't matter what I say, words never relate perfectly to reality. "Emotional pain" from the title is a term I made to describe how I feel when my depression gets really bad. Rather than one emotion, it means a mix of them: despair, hopelessness, loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, sometimes numbness and even void (I mean, this feeling that you are completely empty inside). Because my mental state gets much worse in silence, I usually have music blasting in the background (often quite loudly). Years ago I noticed that some songs (and even artists) help with emotional pain a little bit. I don't mean they only distract me from it – they literally make me feel better. Weird? Maybe. But damn, at least it works.

This "Life OST" consists of songs capable of soothing my emotional pain. While I can call all of them my favourites, not all my favourite songs actually help. Why? I have no idea.

Okay, less babbling, more music. Enjoy!

The Crüxshadows "Angelus Everlasting"

I have to admit The Crüxshadows is one of my favourite bands, if not the favourite. I started listening to them around 2010 and know all their albums by heart. Doesn't matter what song they make, I'm never disappointed. Also Rogue, leader of the band, is one of the nicest musicians in the world.

"Angelus Everlasting" is a perfect representation what I love on The CXS' music. It has pleasant melody aided by amazing electronics and decent violin parts, emotional and relatable lyrics and gorgeous vocal. To be honest, I absolutely adore Rogue's voice, it's so warm and soft... In general, the CXS' songs are very helpful when it comes to coping with depression, but for some reason this one is special. Maybe it's because of the topic or the fact Rogue sounds even more beautiful there, I'm not sure.

DADAROMA "ルシッド・ドリーム"

I have to admit, DADAROMA is one of my favourite bands, if not the favourite... Fuck, I'm repeating myself. Okay, never mind. What I wanted to say is, as with The CXS, I love everything DADAROMA produces: new songs, old songs, just everything. These guys are so wildly creative they never fail to amaze me. Also, again, I love the vocals – Yoshiatsu is so talented in both singing and growling.

The song itself is so melodic I can't help but sway to the music. Also, the vocal is very soothing. It's pretty easy for me to just get lost in it and forget about everything else...

Rammstein "Spieluhr"

Because there is nothing more comforting than song about a dead child... I know it may seem strange, but for some reason such a dark song really helps me. May it be the steady rhythm, Till's deep vocals or melodic guitars, I don't know. Also, I have really soft spot for music boxes, I love when they are incorporated in the melody.

Schnuffel "Ich will zu dir"

Okay, you can laugh now.
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Done? Great. Now, let me explain, what a song like this is doing here.

In primary school one of my friends would often look up interesting clips on YouTube, record them with her phone and then show them to me and our other friends. This is how I came across Schnuffel. I just got hooked on his music. I managed to make my parents buy me his CDs, a Schnuffel sweatshirt, a Schnuffel mug and a Schnuffel key charm. Time was passing and I stopped listening to this cute bunny in favour of more, well, mature music (of course, I didn't forget about Schnuffel entirely, I still thought about him with nostalgia)... Fast forward to more present times. It happened last year. One evening I got a severe anxiety attack (reason doesn't matter), probably one of the worst ones in my entire life. I had no idea, what to do. In a fit of desperation I popped Schnuffel's CD in a disc man and played this song as loud as I could bear. And again. And again. And again. And again. And you know? It worked. I couldn't believe it, but somehow it fucking worked. Since then Schnuffel made a glorious comeback to my music player and now acts as a help in overcoming mental problems. Crazy? As hell. But damn, is something seems dumb but works, then this something is definitely not dumb.

Blue Stahli "Lakes of Flame"

I started listening to Blue Stahli several months ago and this is one of the songs I like the most. I adore how melodic it is, especially the guitars. I also like the fact it's quite repetitive – it always calms me down.

オカメP feat. Megurine Luka "ココロ, ユラユラ"

I usually say that オカメP has golden fingers when it comes to producing vocaloid music. His songs are always invasive and full of emotions, listening to them tend to have cathartic effect. This one is no exception. Mix of electronics and metal drown the listener in sound and Luka's soft voice has very soothing effect. While I love all オカメP's songs, this one is very special. I can listen to it on repeat and it always helps me, no matter what.

Also, let's take a moment to appreciate Ruuya's amazing artwork. So much talent...

James Egbert feat. Nina Sung "Exit Wounds (Cappa Regime Remix)"

It's one of these songs I usually can't listen to just one time – I always play it at least several times, sometimes put it on repeat. This music has something mesmerising in it, especially in the melody. The song itself is rather repetitive, but, as i mentioned earlier, it calms me down. Not to mention the fact dubstep is perfect for drowning existential pain.

D I V I N I T Y "Drown"

When I heard this song for the first time, I thought it's quite unsettling. (And I loved it). You may wonder, how a song like this may help me cope with an anxiety and similar. Well, it's quite easy: it's very melodic and also deep. By "deep" I mean the sound is very low, a little bit raspy and it "fills" listener's skull. I like this effect, it always makes me feel better.

ATB "Humanity"

I found this song on a CD my sister bought with a magazine years ago. I have no idea, who the creator is and, to be honest, it doesn't bother me much. However, I love this song. It's so melodic and emotional, not to mention beautiful lyrics. I listen to it especially when I feel stressed, it calms my nerves.

Also, fun fact: this music video was recorded in Poland. You can even spot some writings in Polish.


I think it isn't very surprising how different these songs are... Or are they? Let's see what they have in common: they are melodic, repetitive and tend to "drown" listener's with sound. Mix of these traits calms me, when I feel stressed or have a panic attack, distracts me, when I feel useless, fills the emptiness in my mind. To put it simply: they just help me. Of course, the list of songs doesn't end with the ones above, it goes on and on and even grows. But it's okay. The more music like that, the better I feel.

Dear 10 Years Old Kiki

Today is our birthday. A very important birthday: you've already lived one decade, I – two. I know you are longing for my age. You think you will finally be important, independent, that people will finally take you seriously. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Hitting magical barrier of adulthood (not even coming of age, being 18 doesn't really matter) doesn't change anything. There is no change in your mind that suddenly makes you more reliable, mature etc. It doesn't change the way people think about you, either. Actually, for most of them (especially your family) you are still a child. But does that mean I want to be 10 again? Hell, no. I've learnt too many things during last 10 years and I want to share them with you.

Before I proceed: I know, you hate being given advice. Damn, I hate it too. Problem with giving someone advice is you never know full context. What works for one person, doesn't have to work the same way for other and vice versa. Actually, universal piece if advice doesn't even exist. That's why I never take others' advice blindly. I always analyse it and then, eventually, do as I was told. Do I make mistakes? Of course, everyone makes them. But sometimes it's much better to do as you please and make a mistake than to follow someone's advice and then be dissatisfied with an effect.

Actually, rules work similar way. Of course, there are situations, where you must follow rules and doesn't matter how absurd they are. But sometimes you can rebel. How can you tell apart these situations? Again, there are no general rules about it. You just have to think. And this is the only rule I want you to follow: never stop thinking. Analyse. Give anything you encounter a careful consideration. You are still not sure, what to do? Think, if anyone gets hurt. Because everything is okay as long as no one gets hurt.

Always.

To be honest, there is one, peculiar situation in which I would like to encourage you to rebel against rules. This situation is art. For me, art is free. It should never be bound by any rules. Damn, the best artists always rebel against common rules. I know, people may laugh at you. They will say that your art is horrible. Some of them may try giving you advice. Actually, I often have heated discussions with others regarding art. I usually am given advice. Do I obey? Mostly, no. I don't doubt others' talents and competence, but you know... Art is very personal thing and even the best piece of advice has no sense when person getting it doesn't like it. When you create something, you must like it first. You and no one else.

Oh, and fuck all people, who constantly babble about improving your technique. If you like it, there is no reason to improve it. Of course, I don't discourage you from experimenting, experiment as much as you like. But don't surrender to pressure of constantly improving, especially, when nothing's wrong. You are the only person that knows what your art needs and aiming for impossibly ambitious goal will only make you hate what you do. You don't have to be the best, being good is enough... But, of course, if you want to be the best, it's okay. Your life, your art, your choice.

As I mentioned, many people won't like what you do. This always happens, pleasing everyone at the same time is impossible. It applies also to other things: school, private life, relationships... There will be people, who like you, people, who hate you and people, who "generally like you, but...". The last category is the worst. In general, people who want others to change are horrible. I don't get why they can't accept others the way they are. How to deal with them? Just ignore them. As long as nobody gets hurt no one has the right to tell you who you should be. You can be sweet, dark, creepy, vulgar, deadpan, everything at the same time and it will be all right (of course, swearing in front of your teacher, boss or someone like that is a bad idea, but, you know, that's the context I was talking about). You will still be the same decent goth lady you are and if people don't accept it, then they aren't worth your attention. Egoistic? Maybe. But goddammit, everyone should be a little egoistic to maintain good mental health.

I know, you are thinking now that you want me to shut up and stop telling you what to do. Well, you don't have to do everything I said (actually, wanting you to follow it all after my earlier rant about taking advice would mean I'm a hypocrite, wouldn't it?). You are the queen of your life and you choose, what to do. Everything I said is based on various experiences I had in my life, but yours can be completely different. Just go on. Live. Analyse. Try new things. Or stick to the ones you know. Because no matter who you are and what you do, as long as no one gets hurt, it's okay. I know I'm repeating myself. But this is important: you are okay. Always.

And I love you.

Happy birthday, darling.




PS There is one thing I want to ask you to do: take better care of your health, okay? I've just hit 20 and I can't function without pills. I've been damaging my health for years just because I tried to be the best at school and, in the end, it wasn't even worth it. No one gives a fuck about your grades when you are an adult...