Pride and 2020

You can download high quality version from my DeviantArt.

Happy Pride, sweethearts!

Sorry I'm kinda late, but I was drawing this during breaks in learning. The university is really kicking my ass now. But damn, I needed something cute and colourful to cheer myself up during this shitty times and no, I don't mean my finals.

First, we have the escalation of racism. The situation is really serious, so remember to support People of Colour in their fight. This Tumblr user links to a very convenient list of things you can do. And don't forget that black live matters. Always.

Second, the president signed a document which basically legalised queerphobia in Poland. Due to my exams I don't have time to prepare any longer post about it, but here is a good explanation of everything (also, follow this artist, they're amazing). I'll only say that I'm scared. Really fucking scared. I wish I could move abroad, but with my weak health, studies in progress and lack of money it's impossible, at least now.

To be honest, with every passing month 2020 is getting worse and worse. I don't want to know what will happen in July...

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me, I want to pass this term (and not go crazy).

Take care, sweethearts! Stay safe and healthy!

It's Corona Time

Before the whole shit started properly, I had been already tired of it.

I'm not a person, who watches news on TV or reads newspapers, so I missed the very beginning of the pandemic. I mean, I was receiving some signals about it, but I didn't care that much. I only got concerned when I realised someone I know and care about was in China at the same time the whole mess started getting serious. Fortunately, she's fine. More, after coming back to Poland she assured me the epidemic wasn't as bad as media was painting it. I felt relieved.

The relief lasted short. Very short.

When I heard about COVID-19 appearing in Europe, I pretended I didn't care. However, deep inside, I was afraid. I was afraid of the plague. Of the quarantine. Of the virus coming to Poland. Of having my life disrupted. But I tried to hide it. I was acting cold and indifferent, criticizing the quickly escalating panic and people, who made laughs of the epidemic. I quickly became fed up of the topic. Not that it was difficult – wherever I went, someone was mentioning coronavirus. Acting with slight disdain towards it was my only way of fighting with growing fear.

And then shit hit the fan.

When information about first instances of COVID-19 in Poland came out, people went absolutely mad. They were buying unholy amounts of soap and antiseptic gel, wearing surgical masks and basically hoarding supplies. You know, like world was about to end. My pole dance trainer even told my group she had problems with getting spirit to make pole-cleaning solution.

I shrugged it all off. People were just panicking, right?

Right.

And then my university cancelled all classes.

Shit, that escalated quickly. 

***

Due to horrible pollen allergy, I have constantly running nose.

Last Tuesday I was coming home by bus. At one point, I sneezed. Actually, it was a pretty elegant sneeze – not too loud, with mouth and nose covered with arm.

Fuck, just ordinary sneeze by ordinary person. And yet an older lady, who was sitting next to me, ran to the other end of the bus like she was being chased.

***

I mentioned people started to hoard supplies, yeah? Well, you can only imagine what's happening now.

On Wednesday I had to do some shopping. The drug store I was to got rummaged some time earlier. People had bought all soaps, antiseptics, toilet paper, wet tissues... And condoms. No, really.

When I entered my neighbourhood's hypermarket, I was greeted with empty shelves and freezers. To be honest, it looked like it had been visited by people preparing to zombie apocalypse. Frozen food, canned food, noodles, rice, sanitary pads, tissues, toilet paper, most things were already gone. I couldn't even find bloody lactose-free butter. Holy shit, what were people going to do with such absurd amounts of frozen meat, butter and condoms?!

.

.

.

You know, actually, I don't want to know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

***

I'm torn.

My rational side insists on being distanced and collected. However, my emotional one has already gone crazy with fear. And I sway between these two states. One moment I'm calmly discussing with others if Polish government is doing well with containment procedures. Half an hour later I'm wildly washing my hands and disinfecting my cell phone (and mind the fact I've been a hygiene freak for most of my life, so if I do some more washing than usual it means the situation is really bad). In the morning I exchange coronavirus memes and plague doctors GIFs with my best friend. In the evening I cry, because I'm worried about my friends and family.

I feel overwhelmed. I want to leave my house. To attend some classes. To meet my best friend and eat together at my favourite Asian restaurant.

I. Want. This. Madness. To. End.

But this madness seems to have different plans.

***

So, what am I going to do now?

First thing, stay sane. Somehow. It will be difficult, given the fact I succumb to panic pretty easily (media having only bad news about the virus definitely don't help), but I can't let some stupid virus mess with me. At least not without fight.

Secondly: stay healthy. I don't want to catch something and then infect my family.

And last, but not least: stay at home. My university has already started preparations to on-line courses. Also, I want to catch up with books and drawing. And movies. And games. And sleep.

There is no thing like "too much sleep".

And I recommend you doing the same.

Stay safe, sweethearts! Remember to wash your hands! And don't let the overall panic take over your lives!

What measure is a Non-Goth?

There is a Facebook group I belong to. The group focuses on a certain gothic festival. Because of that members often exchange musical recommendations. Normal thing, right? Of course. However, I noticed a rather worrying tendency: some recommendations get bashed by other members as "not goth enough". I would (kinda) understand that, if said recommendations weren't... Well, gothic bands. Or dark music. Or weren't connected to gothic aesthetics in other ways. Anyway, last week someone asked if Kamijo's solo project would match the festival. As expected, people started to comment that it's "not goth enough"... And then someone wrote that music by visual kei artists "is only listened by teenage girls in pink dresses".

This was the moment my annoyance reached zenith. There are three reasons.

Primo: I'M A GOTH AND I LISTEN TO VISUAL KEI BANDS, DOES IT FUCKING MAKE ME LESS GOTH, DEAR FACEBOOK USER?! *cleans her throat* I mean, I felt slightly offended.

Second reason is somehow connected to the first one: who has the right to judge if something is or isn't gothic enough?

As long as subcultures/music genres/aesthetic styles/things like that exist, there's always been a question: is something X enough? The answer isn't usually simple (except for extremities, of course). For example, gothic subculture embraces various ways of expression: music, clothes, make up, visual art, attitude etc. That allows great diversity among goths. However, many people don't understand the concept and narrow being a goth to wearing "appropriately gothic" clothes and listening to dark music (usually only old bands, newer ones aren't "true"). This leads to many misunderstandings, because for people like that if someone doesn't look typically goth, then isn't goth at all.

"Typically goth" usually means something like that. BTW This look slays.

However, it's very unlikely to meet someone who has full-blown goth appearance all the time. While people like this exist (and I'm really impressed by them), they are minority. Reason is simple: fancy gothic style, while beautiful, isn't convenient for everyday life. Art by Andi often addresses this issue. Gothic clothes tend to be slightly uncomfortable (to be honest, I find all skirts and dresses quite uncomfortable...) and gothic make up takes time.

Damn, for me make up ALWAYS takes a lot of time and when I have to decide between making myself up and sleeping longer... Well, one look gives away what my sleep-deprived brain always chooses. Same thing with clothes – it's much easier to see me in my adorable eevee hoodie than frilly gothic top. When I spend most day at the university, comfort is a priority, especially, if my health issues kick in...

Other thing are stereotypes. Some people believe goths are always sad, pale brunettes and don't accept other variants. Truth is, the fact someone is goth doesn't mean they must be sad, have pale skin and black hair. Similarly, sad, pale brunettes don't have to be goth – they can be, for example, Japanese ghosts.

No, I don't say being Japanese ghost bans someone from being goth.

Qualifying music as goth/non-goth is also problematic. Generally, assigning music genres is problematic. Usually I just check what musicians themself say about their creations – they know the best what they make. And when it comes to judging "suitability for goths"... Is it dark? Does it have gothic vibe? Yes? Then it is suitable for goths.

Of course, it doesn't mean listening to non-goth music and, generally, liking non-goth things make someone less goth. Fuck, you can listen whatever you like and dress whatever you like and as long as you think you are a goth – you are a goth. No one, I say, NO ONE has right to judge if you are or aren't a goth. You think your attitude and interests match gothic subculture? You like dark things? You feel you are a goth with your whole black heart? Then you. Are. A. Goth. Amen.

(What I said also applies to other subcultures and similar, I just focused on goths because I am one).

Last but not least, third reason: the comment about teenagers in pink dresses basically oozed with disdain. In context it sounded like being a teenage girl, wearing pink dress and listening to visual kei artists was something bad or, at least, worse than being "truly goth". Okay, I understand that dividing society in groups (subcultures, fandoms etc.) always leads to perceiving people from outside particular group as "others". But does it mean said "others" are worse just because they aren't "one of us"? Hell, no!

Judging people by their interests and styles has always been one of human's worst flaws. De gustibus non est disputandum, they say, and yet many people look down on others because of their likings. I don't believe there are people who have never done that. Damn, even I am guilty of it. When I was younger, I used to divide music into "good music" (this is, music I like) and "bad music" (the rest). It took me years to finally realise there is no such thing as "bad music". There exist songs that are weak technically (off tone vocals, poor instrumentals etc.). There are artists who have toxic personality and let it show in their compositions. THIS is what I can eventually call "bad music". But the fact I don't like something doesn't mean it's bad and people who enjoy it aren't worth my time! Unfortunately, many people don't understand that. Result? Some time ago I stumbled upon a confession of a metalhead who felt ashamed because he liked cute idol groups.

I'm not surprised he liked them, cute idol groups are amazing.

When I observe people arguing over tastes, I always wonder: why can't they just accept others' opinions? As long as nobody gets hurt, all of them are fine. Even, if someone's taste may seem weird, they shouldn't be ashamed of it. Shame on people who look down on others. And, who try to force their tastes on others.

One last thing: the fact an artist has many teenage fans doesn't mean their works are childish and shallow and shouldn't be enjoyed by adults. They are just liked by teenagers. That's all.


By the way, most fans of visual kei are adults. They aren't only women either. But given the popularity of certain stereotypes, I'm not surprised many people don't know that...






Image sources:
Typical goth: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/982349-goth
Sadako: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0178868/mediaviewer/rm3065930496
Dreamcatcher group photo: https://twitter.com/hf_dreamcatcher/status/1231548923484856320 

New Year, same old shit?

First day of year 2020. While I'm writing these words, I'm still a little bit sleepy (nothing surprising, I got up just before noon, which is strange even for me). Music is playing in the background and a peach-scented candle is burning in my room. To be honest, nothing special.

Since yesterday, the internet has been going crazy. Everyone is summing up the year 2019, posting New Year's resolutions, making wishes, trying to predict how the future will look like... The cynic side of me keeps saying I shouldn't be very optimistic. The political situation isn't very promising, Earth is facing a climate apocalypse, patriarchy still exists, generally: 2019 was shitty and 2020 won't be better.

But global problems aside, personally I don't think 2019 was very bad. If I had to describe it with only one world, I would choose "crazy".

2019 started in a really horrible way: I fell sick on New Year's Eve and was on antibiotics for next several days (fun fact: I still have no bloody idea what sickness it actually was, neither know my doctors). Some time later, in February, my girlfriend broke up with me. However, after all this time I don't think it was that bad. We remained friends: my ex-girlfriend is an absolutely kind and adorable person and it's hard not to like her.

But the more into 2019, the better it get. I finally found the courage to quit studies I hated (bye, bye medical chemistry, I won't miss you!) and enrol to something else. Since October I've been officially studying history of art and, even if I sometimes complain about the shitload of work I have to do (the fact I tend to procrastinate while complaining about the shitload of work and then procrastinate while complaining about both the shitload of work and lack of time to do it doesn't help), I still love every single moment of it.

Also, 2019 is my first year as a Pokemon trainer and I have to say I'm doing greatly. I've already hit 36th level, caught many amazing Pokemon (including whole Eevee army – I don't joke, I have over one hundred of them) and discovered several interesting places in my city. To be honest, I've never thought playing "Pokemon GO" would give me so much joy.

2019 was also a year of discovering new music (according to Spotify, I started to listen to 160 artists. Pretty impressive, isn't it?), movies and manga (I've read whole "Franken Fran", "Deadman Wonderland", a lot of Junji Ito's stories and more). I've also got back to drawing, learnt epic pole dance figures, made progress in learning Japanese and, of course, became more active on web. In general, it was very busy year.

2019's end was great. When the clock stroke midnight, I was with my best friend. Marilyn Manson's "This Is The New Shit" was blasting in the background and we were having a lot of fun. We spent whole New Year's Eve watching movies, laughing at silly YouTubers and doing dumb personality tests like "How did your previous incarnation died?" (mine got killed in Chernobyl's catastrophe. I have to say, it's oddly appropriate). I loved it.

First day of year 2020. I want to wish you everything the best. May the beginning year be full of hope and love.
Happy New Year, sweethearts!

Dear 10 Years Old Kiki

Today is our birthday. A very important birthday: you've already lived one decade, I – two. I know you are longing for my age. You think you will finally be important, independent, that people will finally take you seriously. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Hitting magical barrier of adulthood (not even coming of age, being 18 doesn't really matter) doesn't change anything. There is no change in your mind that suddenly makes you more reliable, mature etc. It doesn't change the way people think about you, either. Actually, for most of them (especially your family) you are still a child. But does that mean I want to be 10 again? Hell, no. I've learnt too many things during last 10 years and I want to share them with you.

Before I proceed: I know, you hate being given advice. Damn, I hate it too. Problem with giving someone advice is you never know full context. What works for one person, doesn't have to work the same way for other and vice versa. Actually, universal piece if advice doesn't even exist. That's why I never take others' advice blindly. I always analyse it and then, eventually, do as I was told. Do I make mistakes? Of course, everyone makes them. But sometimes it's much better to do as you please and make a mistake than to follow someone's advice and then be dissatisfied with an effect.

Actually, rules work similar way. Of course, there are situations, where you must follow rules and doesn't matter how absurd they are. But sometimes you can rebel. How can you tell apart these situations? Again, there are no general rules about it. You just have to think. And this is the only rule I want you to follow: never stop thinking. Analyse. Give anything you encounter a careful consideration. You are still not sure, what to do? Think, if anyone gets hurt. Because everything is okay as long as no one gets hurt.

Always.

To be honest, there is one, peculiar situation in which I would like to encourage you to rebel against rules. This situation is art. For me, art is free. It should never be bound by any rules. Damn, the best artists always rebel against common rules. I know, people may laugh at you. They will say that your art is horrible. Some of them may try giving you advice. Actually, I often have heated discussions with others regarding art. I usually am given advice. Do I obey? Mostly, no. I don't doubt others' talents and competence, but you know... Art is very personal thing and even the best piece of advice has no sense when person getting it doesn't like it. When you create something, you must like it first. You and no one else.

Oh, and fuck all people, who constantly babble about improving your technique. If you like it, there is no reason to improve it. Of course, I don't discourage you from experimenting, experiment as much as you like. But don't surrender to pressure of constantly improving, especially, when nothing's wrong. You are the only person that knows what your art needs and aiming for impossibly ambitious goal will only make you hate what you do. You don't have to be the best, being good is enough... But, of course, if you want to be the best, it's okay. Your life, your art, your choice.

As I mentioned, many people won't like what you do. This always happens, pleasing everyone at the same time is impossible. It applies also to other things: school, private life, relationships... There will be people, who like you, people, who hate you and people, who "generally like you, but...". The last category is the worst. In general, people who want others to change are horrible. I don't get why they can't accept others the way they are. How to deal with them? Just ignore them. As long as nobody gets hurt no one has the right to tell you who you should be. You can be sweet, dark, creepy, vulgar, deadpan, everything at the same time and it will be all right (of course, swearing in front of your teacher, boss or someone like that is a bad idea, but, you know, that's the context I was talking about). You will still be the same decent goth lady you are and if people don't accept it, then they aren't worth your attention. Egoistic? Maybe. But goddammit, everyone should be a little egoistic to maintain good mental health.

I know, you are thinking now that you want me to shut up and stop telling you what to do. Well, you don't have to do everything I said (actually, wanting you to follow it all after my earlier rant about taking advice would mean I'm a hypocrite, wouldn't it?). You are the queen of your life and you choose, what to do. Everything I said is based on various experiences I had in my life, but yours can be completely different. Just go on. Live. Analyse. Try new things. Or stick to the ones you know. Because no matter who you are and what you do, as long as no one gets hurt, it's okay. I know I'm repeating myself. But this is important: you are okay. Always.

And I love you.

Happy birthday, darling.




PS There is one thing I want to ask you to do: take better care of your health, okay? I've just hit 20 and I can't function without pills. I've been damaging my health for years just because I tried to be the best at school and, in the end, it wasn't even worth it. No one gives a fuck about your grades when you are an adult...

Stop calling me an ideology!

Hello, sweethearts!

This post won't be very pleasant. There are two reasons: primo, the subject is pretty serious. Secundo, I'm pissed. I'm absolutely, royally pissed and I'm never pleasant, when pissed.

Proper representation of me now.

And I'm pissed, because I'm sick of being treated like I wasn't a human being only because I'm not straight.

If someone follows news about Poland then they know the situation of Polish LGBT+ society is pretty bad. Homosexual couples don't have any opportunity to legalise their relationships. There are no same sex-marriages. They aren't allowed to adopt a child. The list goes on and on, but the worst thing is even discussing equal rights for non-hetero people is difficult as hell. The reason is simple: conservative politicians (mind the fact actual government is conservative) and mass media created a public enemy of us. According to them, we are not people, who just want to have normal life. We are "LGBT ideology", who spread "homopropaganda" and want to "destroy Polish families".

Sounds ridiculous, right? And what if I told you everything I had just written really happens?

"The LGBT dictatorship is coming. How to defend ourselves against it?"

The photo above is a cover of March issue of one of the most conservative magazines. Inside, article's author wrote that LGBT+ society wants to take control over world, rejects laws of nature (seems someone has never heard about animals' homosexuality...) and "LGBT+ declaration, signed by Warsaw's president, is a joining to nihilist experiment of social engineering" (don't ask me, what the fuck does that mean, i have no idea). The worst thing is, he was completely serious about this and there are many people, who think the same.

In October Kampania Przeciwko Homofobii (A Campaign against Homophobia), a non-governmental organisation fighting for LGBT+ rights, organised Rainbow Friday. Aim of this event was to spread tolerance in schools and show support for non-hetero pupils. Schools were supposed to organise lessons about equality and different sexual orientations. They also got special materials, for example posters and badges with mottos like "I'm a tolerant teacher". Do I have to say that rightists almost boiled when they heard about it? The chairman of Stały Komitet Rady Ministrów (sorry, I won't translate all organs' names, I don't want to get them wrong) called it an "indoctrination of youth", Wojciech Cejrowski (traveler, writer, journalist, rightist) wrote on his Twitter it was "teaching children perverted sexual acts" and "sexual abuse" and, on top of that, Ministry of Education decided to ban whole thing.

*claps* Great, just great. I'm sure children were delighted that the country takes care of them, especially LGBT+ ones.

On 20th of July The March of Equality was organised in Białystok. About 800 people took part in this peaceful demonstration. However, many people (especially soccer fans and Catholics) didn't like the idea of LGBT+ and people who support them showing that they, well, exist. And while people praying and wandering with banners saying "mom and dad are the most precious treasure in the world" (like it had something to do with being non-straight... Also, what with people who are infertile? Or just don't want to have children?) were rather harmless, soccer fans decided to attack the March. Yeah, you read it right: people got attacked just for taking part in an equality demonstration. They had stones and bottles thrown on them, got beat and kicked, also after the event ended. The March was protected by police, but even they had problems with attackers. Wanna see the hell? Type "marsz równości białystok 2019" in YouTube search bar. I dare you.

Oh, and don't forger about the man, who brought a baby to the anti-LGBT+ manifestation.

Father of the Year, goddammit.

Actually, Polish Church as a whole is very anti-LGBT+, to the point, that people leave Catholicism at all just because they're fed up with it. Catholic media often bash us for our sole existence and, when we try to defend ourselves, they say we "attack Church". Yeah, but when Church attacks us, everything's right. Archbishop Jędraszewki even called us "rainbow disease". When he got called out for this (of course, not by rightists, they think it was okay), he defended himself, saying he didn't mean people are, he meant ideology.

Once more, with bigger letters.

WE ARE PEOPLE, NOT AN IDEOLOGY!!!

Of course, it's not the end!

Last month "Gazeta Polska" ("The Polish Newspaper") announced stickers with crossed rainbow and "LGBT-free zone" writing will be added to new issues. After several chains of shops (including one of the most popular media and press products selling one, Empik) announced they wouldn't distribute said issues, "Gazeta Polska" cancelled its plans... Only to start distributing "LGBT ideology-free zone" stickers.

Holy. Motherfucking. Shit.

WE ARE PEOPLE, NOT AN IDEOLOGY!!!

And how many fucking times am I fucking supposed to fucking say that?!

There is a project called Stop Pedofilii (Stop Paedophilia), led by a pro-life (or rather anti-choice) non-governmental organisation. They present themselves as fighting against sexual harassment of children... While they fight with sexual education. Yep. In Polish schools there is no sexual education, only "wychowanie do życia w rodzinie" (roughly translates into "upbringing to life in family"), which has nothing to do with sexual education. In case someone didn't know the consequences of it, children aren't properly taught about their bodies, adolescence and, the most important, that no one should touch them without their consent and what to do in case of harassment... Which means there is higher probability of them being the victims of sexual abuse, because they have no idea what's going on. Do people associated with Stop Pedofilii care about it? No. They are too busy spreading lies that sexual education is "promoting homosexualism, masturbation and other sexual activities". They also do everything to make people associate LGBT+ with paedophilia. Sounds absurd? Yes. Hard to believe? Yes. Do you need evidence? Here you are:

"Paedophilia occurs 20 times more frequently among homosexuals."

I couldn't believe some people can be that dumb... Until I spotted exactly the same banner on my way to university. So yes, it happens, it happens all the time. Stop Pedofilii also spent most of Summer collecting signatures under sexual education banning bill. And people kept signing it...

And now the crème de la crème, the last straw that pushed me to writing this post.

On 10th and 11th of August in Kielce a disco polo festival was held. Disco polo is a very popular in Poland type of dance music, characterised by simple melodies and lyrics. Nowadays most of songs are about sex, usually described in very straightforward, even vulgar way... Which didn't stop people from bringing small children to Kielce's festival. Yes, people brought children to listen songs about fucking and see dancers doing rather erotic choreography. More, one of vocalists actually approached a little girl on the audience and sang to her "you can shake your butt, you move beautifully, you've just become an object of desire". Fuck the context, he basically told her she had a nice ass. A LITTLE GIRL. WHERE WERE ALL THOSE FIGHTERS, WHO PROTECT THE CHILDREN FROM SEXUALISATION?!

Oh, I forgot, there were battling "LGBT ideology". Talk about double standards...





Image sources:
Pissed gif: https://media1.tenor.com/images/68bdb7f778cf76bfaa256ebf53164558/tenor.gif?itemid=5591675
"Do Rzeczy" cover: https://wiadomosci.wp.pl/nadciaga-dyktatura-lgbt-homoterror-okladki-tygodnikow-6360396706306177a
Father of the Year: https://poranny.pl/marsz-rownosci-w-bialymstoku-mezczyzna-ktory-zaslanial-sie-dzieckiem-przed-policja-zostal-zatrzymany-zdjecia/ga/c1-14293793/zd/37465039
Homophobic car: http://www.tokfm.pl/Tokfm/7,130517,23981273,we-wroclawiu-pojawil-sie-plakat-laczacy-homoseksualizm-z-pedofilia.html