The hair story

Almost my whole childhood I used to have long hair. Shiny, thick, with deeply brown colour – the same as my grandma's. I used to wear it in braid, which was so heavy, it would made a nice weapon. Little me was extremely proud of it.

But then I went to school.

You see, long hair may be beautiful, but can also be extremely troublesome, especially when you're a child. Washing and drying mine took hours, same with brushing. I wore it in braid 'cause I had no other choice – wearing it down or as a ponytail tangled it as hell. It used to get caught in school's chairs' loose screws every time I sat down. And, last but not least, boys at my class always bullied me by pulling my braid (of course, no adult reacted to it, "boys will be boys" and similar shit).

I was 10, when I snapped and decided to cut my hair.

Of course, it wasn't an easy decision... Or rather my family didn't take it well. I had been growing my hair basically my whole life, 10 fucking years. I could sit on it. But still, I wanted to have it cut as short as possible.

And I did it. Of course, I needed to convince my parents that yes, I REALLY wanted it. And, later, I took the braid (I asked the hairdresser to give it to me instead if throwing it away) and gifted it to my grandma, 'cause she didn't like the fact I got rid of my hair. I felt like I was making a bizarre offering to hair gods.

But hey, I finally had a new haircut! My bob reached barely below my ears and didn't look bad.

Of course, it was only a beginning of the story of my hairstyle.

For rest of the primary school and then junior high I couldn't decide on what I want to do with my hair. I grew it, then have it cut, then grew it again, then got impatient and have it cut etc., you know the drill. There were also times, when I had a fringe and fuck, never again. But still, no matter what I did, it still wasn't the hairstyle I wanted to keep.

I don't remember, when I got an idea for asymmetrical haircut. My mom didn't agree on me having all of my hair on one side (and believe me or not, but mom's advice was sacred for me), so I settled with having one side shorter than the other. No shaving, the difference was of several centimetres. On the beginning of high school I also got front of my hair bleached to platinum blonde – I just wanted it to be bicolour.

Time passed, the difference in length between both sides of my hair grew bigger – I kept right half long and had left one cut short. At one point I also started dying the bleached part (what a surprise) purple – my favourite colour. Then I got more hair bleached and dyed purple. Then more.

I was on first year of studies (then it was medical chemistry), when I had my whole head dyed purple. And, while I loved it, it still wasn't enough. I still wasn't entirely comfortable with my hair, something was missing.

Some time later I remembered a photo of Skrillex I saw in high school and then I realised – a sidecut. What I was missing was a sidecut.

Of course, my family advised me against it. Cutting your hair short is one thing, having part of it completely shaved was another one. I listened to them... For a while. Several months ago I went full "oh, fuck it" and, after being hyped by my friends and my therapist, I asked my hairdresser to shave left half of my head. And guess what?

That was it. That was exactly what I wanted. The moment I looked in the mirror after the hairdresser finished working was the moment when I finally felt good with my hair.

When I finally felt that the goth, that was looking back at me, was... Well, me.

***

Lately I've started braiding my hair. Of course, many people joke, that I'm coming back to my roots.

I wouldn't call it like that.

As a child, I had to wear my hair braided. It was more convenient this way. Also, my family liked it. Now I'm doing it, 'cause I want to. 'Cause I am the one who really wants it.

You see, my haircut has more meaning than "looking good". For me it's a way of owning my appearance. The years of experiments with cuts and colours weren't supposed to find something I look good with – if I only cared about how my hairstyle looks like to others, I'd probably have asked the hairdresser to make me look fancy or something. I wanted to find a look that expressed who I am. To match my outside with who I am on the inside.

Of course, it's not the end. Now, when I finally found a cut I feel comfortable with, I want to grow the non-shaved part. My goal is to have it reach my lower ribs and I think that I'm actually capable of achieving it. I'm patient. And the most important thing: even now I'm satisfied with my look.

[is haunted in Spanish]

Before I grew up into a grotesque-loving goth lady, I used to be a sweet and easily frightened child. No, really. I didn't need much to get scared: lack of light, loud noise, creepy shadows, disfigured bodies... Especially disfigured bodies. They didn't have to be horribly mutilated corpses, I could get scared because someone in the photo was missing an eye. In general, the range of imagery that I found scary was wide as hell and little me wouldn't be able to even glance at most things that interest me now.

So no surprise, that cinema posters of "The Orphanage" scared almost-8-years-old me as nothing before.

Horizontal version of this particular one was posted literally everywhere around the city.

For years I have been sure I would never be able to watch this film. However, some time ago I decided I should finally confront my childhood traumas. And is there better opportunity to watch some movies than now, when I have to stay at home because of the coronavirus? I don't think so.

Anyway, last weekend I braced myself and, with a glass of godless drink (I mean, cola) in one hand and Grell plushie in the other, finally watched the movie, which sole promotional material had been giving me nightmares for years.

And I loved it.

The premise of "The Orphanage" doesn't seem very original at first. A married couple, Laura (Belén Rueda) and Carlos (Fernando Cayo), move in with their adopted son, Simón (Roger Príncep), to a new house. Or, rather, an old house, and I don't only mean building's age – there used to be an orphanage, where Laura lived before she was adopted. Now she and Carlos want to make here a foster house for sick children. However, from the beginning something seems off. First Simón starts "playing" with new (and creepy) imaginary friends, then they are visited by a strange lady, Benigna (Montserrat Carulla). Shit hits the fan when Simón disappears during a party held in the house. And then things happen. Many things.

"The Orphanage" is an excellent work when it comes to pacing. The build-up is slow, but constant and, before the plot starts properly (I mean, Simón goes missing), much has already happened. And then the movie gets even more intense, especially second half of it. My favourite part is the scene with medium's visit. The atmosphere of dread and uncertainty is perfectly done.

Despite being a grim psychological horror, "The Orphanage" is very pleasurable to watch. The audiovisual side is awesomely done: faded colours, well-thought camera work and sparing, well placed soundtrack create unforgettable climate, which you just want to experience. This film is great when it comes to keeping the viewer in front of the screen... And making them unsettled, because said climate is also main scare factor. "The Orphanage" isn't this type of horror, which attacks with jumpscares (there are several, but rather minor ones) and gruesomeness (there is one, maybe two bloody scenes). Scares there are primarily psychological ones, mostly the "show much, explain nothing" type. The best example of it is the moment, when Laura meets Tomás (Óscar Casas) for the first time. Chilling soundtrack, boy's weird behaviour (that breathing...) and little explanation of what's going on make it one of the most disturbing scenes in the movie.

By the way, Tomás looks much less scary without the mask on his head. Given then fact he wears this shit to hide his disfigured face, something went horribly wrong.

To be honest, the movie wouldn't be half that good if not the actors, especially the main one. Belén Rueda does brilliantly as Laura. Her portrayal of a woman totally lost in her desperation is really convincing, especially in the ending. Special mentions should also go to all children. Their characters do most work when it comes to scaring viewer. Damn, I had no idea "one, two, three, knocking on the wall", a game I used to play with other children in primary school, could be so creepy!

Of course, there are some things about this movie that bother me a little. They are connected with one of major plot points, so

SPOILER ALERT!!!

While Benigna's arc is very relevant to the story, it's also a source of a big plot hole. Or maybe two, one big and one little. Let's start with the little one: how did Benigna get Simón's adoption papers? She introduced herself as a social worker, but then it came out she wasn't one. So she shouldn't be able to get these documents in the first place. Did she steal them or what? Have I missed something?

However, the above is just a minor nuisance when compared to the biggest problem: how the hell did Benigna managed to kill all children in the orphanage and somehow get away with it?! Okay, the victims were orphans. They had no family. But Benigna wasn't the only person working in the institution and, judging by the first scene and the old films, orphanage staff was very fond of the children. It should be impossible for Benigna to poison all kids (not one, not two, all five!) and cremate their bodies without anyone noticing. Because yes, nobody noticed – earlier in the movie there was no information about the case and, judging by police's reaction, it's easy to assume really no one knew about it. So, what happened to the orphanage staff? Did Benigna kill them too? Or maybe she evaporated them with magic? Or erased their memories?

Were Men in Black and their neuralyzers somehow involved?

Except for the problems with Benigna, "The Orphanage" has great plot with some clever twists. Especially the last one. I have to admit, I started crying at the end of the movie. The finale was so emotional...

End of spoilers.

Actually, I'm pretty contented I watched this movie. "The Orphanage" is a solid psychological horror capable of keeping viewer at the edge of their seat for whole runtime. And even if it isn't that scary I used to think, it still managed to make me unsettled. And not only because I don't like children at all...

Or "Children Are Scary: The Movie"

Image sources:
All movie stills were screenshot by me from official trailer and belong to Warner Bros. Pictures de España.
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkuKtS-N1rM

Polish poster: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464141/mediaviewer/rm439167488
Poster: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0464141/mediaviewer/rm2294782721

Life OST: My Ex Index

Hello, sweethearts!

I'll be honest: my love life is a fucking disaster.
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Okay, maybe I'm overreacting a little bit. But when I talk with my friends about love and see, that most of people in my surroundings have someone, I start wondering what's wrong with me. I've already been in two relationships, but both ended in less than two months. My first relationship was... Pretty complicated. Long story short, I dated a nice boy, who later turned out to be a toxic liar (I have to admit, he apologised... A year later. Via Messenger. Fuck, he could at least call me!). My second one was with a girl from my university and we are still friends – she's lovely, kind and talking with her is pure pleasure.

Why am I talking about that? Well, because of my varied experience with breakups I associate different songs with this topic (and my both exes). And this post will be about these particular songs. Enjoy!

Bring Me The Horizon "Go To Hell, For Heaven's Sake"

I started listening Bring Me The Horizon shortly after I got dumped by my boyfriend and I fell in love instantly. Their heavy music and Ollie's aggressive screaming corresponded with my mood pretty well – I was both pissed at my ex and heartbroken at the same time. I was also pissed at myself, because I didn't have enough courage to tell him what I thought. This song matches all my emotions, especially disappointment, that the person I loved turned out completely different than they seemed. And anger. Massive anger.

MY FIRST STORY "Last Call"

This song is quite similar to the previous one when it comes to emotions. However, there is one major difference: in this one there is also sorrow. Of course, Ollie also sings about broken heart, but Hiro is more straightforward about feelings. It's easy to hear that his rage is fuelled with sadness. His vocal is so emotional, it's easy to identify with the lyrics. Listening to "Last Call" has really cathartic effect for me.

BlutEngel "The War Between Us"

Aftermath of a break-up. A violent break-up. Actually, it sums up how I get on with my ex-boyfriend pretty well – I don't. I hate him. We don't talk, we don't meet, but I want to punch him in the face (and mind the fact I'm a rather pacifistic person). I just can't forgive him...

Creep-P fest. Hatsune Miku "Cotton Candy"

The fact this song is about perfect relationship unexpectedly going awful makes it very relatable. I remember how much I was crying while listening to it after the first break-up. Three years have passed and "Cotton Candy" still reminds me about this sadness. But I like Creep-P's works too much to stop listening to this song. The electronics are just amazing.

Sweet Revenge feat. Megurine Luka "Forbidden Happiness"

This song doesn't remind me about any of my exes, but it matches the topic and I like it very much. I adore the melody, the lyrics and the way Luka sings. Actually, it was one of my first vocaloid songs ever and I think I wouldn't have got so much into vocal synthesizers if I hadn't found Sweet Revenge's music.

Illumenium feat. MYrK "My Last Cocaine"

[This song's music video isn't public on YouTube, so I'll just leave a link to the Facebook post.]

For some weird reason (maybe it was something she said or the fact I was madly in love to the point of craziness, I don't know) shortly after we begun dating I started associating this song with my then girlfriend and it just stuck. I don't think it's bad. As I mentioned, we get on really well and listening to "My Last Cocaine" brings me memories of the happiness I felt while being in that relationship. Damn, even if it ended I'm still pretty happy. Have I already said how awesome my ex-girlfriend is?

Solar Fake "The Pain That Kills You Too"

I got hooked up on this song shortly after my second break-up. It was a very peaceful one, but I think it's understandable I was a little bit heartbroken. This song really helped me cope with it. Maybe it was the topic of not wanting to hurt the other person, maybe it was the soothing melody line and the emotions in Svens voice, I'm not sure. What really matters is how relieved I felt while listening... And the fact I'm not heartbroken any more. I'm glad I and my ex-girlfriend are friends and hope it won't change.

Thom Yorke "Unmade"

Actually, I could put whole "Suspiria's" soundtrack here... Before we started dating, I took my ex-girlfriend to the cinema to this movie. We both enjoyed it and I still think it was one of the best cinema shows in my whole life.


As you can see (hear?), the songs vary depending on who I associate particular ones with. I think the Aesop coming from my both relationships is pretty simple: it's the end that matters the most. Being amicable exes isn't difficult, you just need to talk it over and be respectful.

Damn, I didn't plan to end this post with such a preachy text, but I just couldn't help...

New Year, same old shit?

First day of year 2020. While I'm writing these words, I'm still a little bit sleepy (nothing surprising, I got up just before noon, which is strange even for me). Music is playing in the background and a peach-scented candle is burning in my room. To be honest, nothing special.

Since yesterday, the internet has been going crazy. Everyone is summing up the year 2019, posting New Year's resolutions, making wishes, trying to predict how the future will look like... The cynic side of me keeps saying I shouldn't be very optimistic. The political situation isn't very promising, Earth is facing a climate apocalypse, patriarchy still exists, generally: 2019 was shitty and 2020 won't be better.

But global problems aside, personally I don't think 2019 was very bad. If I had to describe it with only one world, I would choose "crazy".

2019 started in a really horrible way: I fell sick on New Year's Eve and was on antibiotics for next several days (fun fact: I still have no bloody idea what sickness it actually was, neither know my doctors). Some time later, in February, my girlfriend broke up with me. However, after all this time I don't think it was that bad. We remained friends: my ex-girlfriend is an absolutely kind and adorable person and it's hard not to like her.

But the more into 2019, the better it get. I finally found the courage to quit studies I hated (bye, bye medical chemistry, I won't miss you!) and enrol to something else. Since October I've been officially studying history of art and, even if I sometimes complain about the shitload of work I have to do (the fact I tend to procrastinate while complaining about the shitload of work and then procrastinate while complaining about both the shitload of work and lack of time to do it doesn't help), I still love every single moment of it.

Also, 2019 is my first year as a Pokemon trainer and I have to say I'm doing greatly. I've already hit 36th level, caught many amazing Pokemon (including whole Eevee army – I don't joke, I have over one hundred of them) and discovered several interesting places in my city. To be honest, I've never thought playing "Pokemon GO" would give me so much joy.

2019 was also a year of discovering new music (according to Spotify, I started to listen to 160 artists. Pretty impressive, isn't it?), movies and manga (I've read whole "Franken Fran", "Deadman Wonderland", a lot of Junji Ito's stories and more). I've also got back to drawing, learnt epic pole dance figures, made progress in learning Japanese and, of course, became more active on web. In general, it was very busy year.

2019's end was great. When the clock stroke midnight, I was with my best friend. Marilyn Manson's "This Is The New Shit" was blasting in the background and we were having a lot of fun. We spent whole New Year's Eve watching movies, laughing at silly YouTubers and doing dumb personality tests like "How did your previous incarnation died?" (mine got killed in Chernobyl's catastrophe. I have to say, it's oddly appropriate). I loved it.

First day of year 2020. I want to wish you everything the best. May the beginning year be full of hope and love.
Happy New Year, sweethearts!

Life OST: Numbing emotional pain

Hello, sweethearts!

For me, one of the most difficult things in the world is talking about feelings. Doesn't matter what I say, words never relate perfectly to reality. "Emotional pain" from the title is a term I made to describe how I feel when my depression gets really bad. Rather than one emotion, it means a mix of them: despair, hopelessness, loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, sometimes numbness and even void (I mean, this feeling that you are completely empty inside). Because my mental state gets much worse in silence, I usually have music blasting in the background (often quite loudly). Years ago I noticed that some songs (and even artists) help with emotional pain a little bit. I don't mean they only distract me from it – they literally make me feel better. Weird? Maybe. But damn, at least it works.

This "Life OST" consists of songs capable of soothing my emotional pain. While I can call all of them my favourites, not all my favourite songs actually help. Why? I have no idea.

Okay, less babbling, more music. Enjoy!

The Crüxshadows "Angelus Everlasting"

I have to admit The Crüxshadows is one of my favourite bands, if not the favourite. I started listening to them around 2010 and know all their albums by heart. Doesn't matter what song they make, I'm never disappointed. Also Rogue, leader of the band, is one of the nicest musicians in the world.

"Angelus Everlasting" is a perfect representation what I love on The CXS' music. It has pleasant melody aided by amazing electronics and decent violin parts, emotional and relatable lyrics and gorgeous vocal. To be honest, I absolutely adore Rogue's voice, it's so warm and soft... In general, the CXS' songs are very helpful when it comes to coping with depression, but for some reason this one is special. Maybe it's because of the topic or the fact Rogue sounds even more beautiful there, I'm not sure.

DADAROMA "ルシッド・ドリーム"

I have to admit, DADAROMA is one of my favourite bands, if not the favourite... Fuck, I'm repeating myself. Okay, never mind. What I wanted to say is, as with The CXS, I love everything DADAROMA produces: new songs, old songs, just everything. These guys are so wildly creative they never fail to amaze me. Also, again, I love the vocals – Yoshiatsu is so talented in both singing and growling.

The song itself is so melodic I can't help but sway to the music. Also, the vocal is very soothing. It's pretty easy for me to just get lost in it and forget about everything else...

Rammstein "Spieluhr"

Because there is nothing more comforting than song about a dead child... I know it may seem strange, but for some reason such a dark song really helps me. May it be the steady rhythm, Till's deep vocals or melodic guitars, I don't know. Also, I have really soft spot for music boxes, I love when they are incorporated in the melody.

Schnuffel "Ich will zu dir"

Okay, you can laugh now.
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Done? Great. Now, let me explain, what a song like this is doing here.

In primary school one of my friends would often look up interesting clips on YouTube, record them with her phone and then show them to me and our other friends. This is how I came across Schnuffel. I just got hooked on his music. I managed to make my parents buy me his CDs, a Schnuffel sweatshirt, a Schnuffel mug and a Schnuffel key charm. Time was passing and I stopped listening to this cute bunny in favour of more, well, mature music (of course, I didn't forget about Schnuffel entirely, I still thought about him with nostalgia)... Fast forward to more present times. It happened last year. One evening I got a severe anxiety attack (reason doesn't matter), probably one of the worst ones in my entire life. I had no idea, what to do. In a fit of desperation I popped Schnuffel's CD in a disc man and played this song as loud as I could bear. And again. And again. And again. And again. And you know? It worked. I couldn't believe it, but somehow it fucking worked. Since then Schnuffel made a glorious comeback to my music player and now acts as a help in overcoming mental problems. Crazy? As hell. But damn, is something seems dumb but works, then this something is definitely not dumb.

Blue Stahli "Lakes of Flame"

I started listening to Blue Stahli several months ago and this is one of the songs I like the most. I adore how melodic it is, especially the guitars. I also like the fact it's quite repetitive – it always calms me down.

オカメP feat. Megurine Luka "ココロ, ユラユラ"

I usually say that オカメP has golden fingers when it comes to producing vocaloid music. His songs are always invasive and full of emotions, listening to them tend to have cathartic effect. This one is no exception. Mix of electronics and metal drown the listener in sound and Luka's soft voice has very soothing effect. While I love all オカメP's songs, this one is very special. I can listen to it on repeat and it always helps me, no matter what.

Also, let's take a moment to appreciate Ruuya's amazing artwork. So much talent...

James Egbert feat. Nina Sung "Exit Wounds (Cappa Regime Remix)"

It's one of these songs I usually can't listen to just one time – I always play it at least several times, sometimes put it on repeat. This music has something mesmerising in it, especially in the melody. The song itself is rather repetitive, but, as i mentioned earlier, it calms me down. Not to mention the fact dubstep is perfect for drowning existential pain.

D I V I N I T Y "Drown"

When I heard this song for the first time, I thought it's quite unsettling. (And I loved it). You may wonder, how a song like this may help me cope with an anxiety and similar. Well, it's quite easy: it's very melodic and also deep. By "deep" I mean the sound is very low, a little bit raspy and it "fills" listener's skull. I like this effect, it always makes me feel better.

ATB "Humanity"

I found this song on a CD my sister bought with a magazine years ago. I have no idea, who the creator is and, to be honest, it doesn't bother me much. However, I love this song. It's so melodic and emotional, not to mention beautiful lyrics. I listen to it especially when I feel stressed, it calms my nerves.

Also, fun fact: this music video was recorded in Poland. You can even spot some writings in Polish.


I think it isn't very surprising how different these songs are... Or are they? Let's see what they have in common: they are melodic, repetitive and tend to "drown" listener's with sound. Mix of these traits calms me, when I feel stressed or have a panic attack, distracts me, when I feel useless, fills the emptiness in my mind. To put it simply: they just help me. Of course, the list of songs doesn't end with the ones above, it goes on and on and even grows. But it's okay. The more music like that, the better I feel.

Dear 10 Years Old Kiki

Today is our birthday. A very important birthday: you've already lived one decade, I – two. I know you are longing for my age. You think you will finally be important, independent, that people will finally take you seriously. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Hitting magical barrier of adulthood (not even coming of age, being 18 doesn't really matter) doesn't change anything. There is no change in your mind that suddenly makes you more reliable, mature etc. It doesn't change the way people think about you, either. Actually, for most of them (especially your family) you are still a child. But does that mean I want to be 10 again? Hell, no. I've learnt too many things during last 10 years and I want to share them with you.

Before I proceed: I know, you hate being given advice. Damn, I hate it too. Problem with giving someone advice is you never know full context. What works for one person, doesn't have to work the same way for other and vice versa. Actually, universal piece if advice doesn't even exist. That's why I never take others' advice blindly. I always analyse it and then, eventually, do as I was told. Do I make mistakes? Of course, everyone makes them. But sometimes it's much better to do as you please and make a mistake than to follow someone's advice and then be dissatisfied with an effect.

Actually, rules work similar way. Of course, there are situations, where you must follow rules and doesn't matter how absurd they are. But sometimes you can rebel. How can you tell apart these situations? Again, there are no general rules about it. You just have to think. And this is the only rule I want you to follow: never stop thinking. Analyse. Give anything you encounter a careful consideration. You are still not sure, what to do? Think, if anyone gets hurt. Because everything is okay as long as no one gets hurt.

Always.

To be honest, there is one, peculiar situation in which I would like to encourage you to rebel against rules. This situation is art. For me, art is free. It should never be bound by any rules. Damn, the best artists always rebel against common rules. I know, people may laugh at you. They will say that your art is horrible. Some of them may try giving you advice. Actually, I often have heated discussions with others regarding art. I usually am given advice. Do I obey? Mostly, no. I don't doubt others' talents and competence, but you know... Art is very personal thing and even the best piece of advice has no sense when person getting it doesn't like it. When you create something, you must like it first. You and no one else.

Oh, and fuck all people, who constantly babble about improving your technique. If you like it, there is no reason to improve it. Of course, I don't discourage you from experimenting, experiment as much as you like. But don't surrender to pressure of constantly improving, especially, when nothing's wrong. You are the only person that knows what your art needs and aiming for impossibly ambitious goal will only make you hate what you do. You don't have to be the best, being good is enough... But, of course, if you want to be the best, it's okay. Your life, your art, your choice.

As I mentioned, many people won't like what you do. This always happens, pleasing everyone at the same time is impossible. It applies also to other things: school, private life, relationships... There will be people, who like you, people, who hate you and people, who "generally like you, but...". The last category is the worst. In general, people who want others to change are horrible. I don't get why they can't accept others the way they are. How to deal with them? Just ignore them. As long as nobody gets hurt no one has the right to tell you who you should be. You can be sweet, dark, creepy, vulgar, deadpan, everything at the same time and it will be all right (of course, swearing in front of your teacher, boss or someone like that is a bad idea, but, you know, that's the context I was talking about). You will still be the same decent goth lady you are and if people don't accept it, then they aren't worth your attention. Egoistic? Maybe. But goddammit, everyone should be a little egoistic to maintain good mental health.

I know, you are thinking now that you want me to shut up and stop telling you what to do. Well, you don't have to do everything I said (actually, wanting you to follow it all after my earlier rant about taking advice would mean I'm a hypocrite, wouldn't it?). You are the queen of your life and you choose, what to do. Everything I said is based on various experiences I had in my life, but yours can be completely different. Just go on. Live. Analyse. Try new things. Or stick to the ones you know. Because no matter who you are and what you do, as long as no one gets hurt, it's okay. I know I'm repeating myself. But this is important: you are okay. Always.

And I love you.

Happy birthday, darling.




PS There is one thing I want to ask you to do: take better care of your health, okay? I've just hit 20 and I can't function without pills. I've been damaging my health for years just because I tried to be the best at school and, in the end, it wasn't even worth it. No one gives a fuck about your grades when you are an adult...

Life OST: Long, dark evening

Hello, sweethearts!

This is the first post from "Life OST" series. I will write here about songs, which make my real life soundtrack. They will usually have something in common – similar topic, mood or they will match certain situation.

Today I will write about songs I like to listen during long, dark evenings. Polish Winter evenings are always cold and melancholic. That's why I associate them with calm, ethereal, sometimes sad music.

Okay, enough talking, let's start!

Theodor Bastard "Кукушка"

According to Spotify, Theodor Bastard was the band I listened to the most during 2018. Actually, I'm not surprised – I love their music. "Кукушка" is my favourite song by them. I like how they used different folk instruments there, how they made this mysterious atmosphere. Also, Yana's vocal is stunningly beautiful.

Regulus feat. Hatsune Miku "In the Dark"

Actually, I could put there most of Regulus' songs – he's master of heart wrenching music. However, "In the Dark" is my favourite. It also always makes me feel a little bit sad. Maybe it's Miku's emotional vocal, maybe ethereal guitar or maybe dark, full of despair lyrics, I'm not sure.

Daniel Bloom feat. Mela Koteluk "Katarakta"

To be honest, I rarely listen to Polish music. However, I absolutely adore this song. Mela's voice is so calm and the music itself sounds really enchanting. But don't ask me, what lyrics are about – they are so metaphorical, I have no idea. And no, they have nothing to do with the music video. But is it a problem?

Clan of Xymox "Obsession"

There is something heavenly beautiful in this song. Old dark wave songs tend to have quite specific vibe, this one is no exception. But there is something more – peace, melancholy and nostalgia, especially the last one. Add Ronny's warm vocal and you have perfect song for lonely evenings.
Actually, I had a chance to hear this song live – in 2015 Clan of Xymox played at Castle Party. Magical, unforgettable experience. And Ronny was making thunders with his guitar!

My Bloody Valentine "Sometimes"

I came across this song by accident – I was listening to web radio station with gothic music. From the very begging I was stunned, how extraordinary this song was. Echoing, dreamlike guitars and silent vocals make one of most ethereal songs I know.

Love Spiral Downwards "Will You Fade"

Another song I got to know thanks to web radio station. Another extremely dreamlike, melancholic music, this time with angelic female vocal. I especially like the second part, when guitars kick in. Actually, I fell in love with "Will You Fade" because of them.

38号式 feat. Namine Ritsu "REINCARNATION"

From all utauloids I know, Ritsu has probably most emotional voice, especially in good hands. 38号式 is really skilled in rendering UTAU vocals, which is why I love his songs so much – they are always full of heart and feelings, this one in particular. To be honest, Ritsu sounds like he is about to cry. Amazing, especially if you consider the fact, it's just a singing synthesizer.

Stigmata "СЕНТЯБРЬ"

 

I began with Russian music and will end with it.  I don't usually listen to this band. However, I just fell in love with this song from the first hearing. I adore its melancholic atmosphere. I have never heard such eerie riffs, they are amazing. Actually, I can listen to "СЕНТЯБРЬ" on repeat.

As you can see (hear?), I have quite eclectic taste. And you? Which songs do you listen during long, dark evenings?