Life OST: Numbing emotional pain

Hello, sweethearts!

For me, one of the most difficult things in the world is talking about feelings. Doesn't matter what I say, words never relate perfectly to reality. "Emotional pain" from the title is a term I made to describe how I feel when my depression gets really bad. Rather than one emotion, it means a mix of them: despair, hopelessness, loneliness, anxiety, worthlessness, sometimes numbness and even void (I mean, this feeling that you are completely empty inside). Because my mental state gets much worse in silence, I usually have music blasting in the background (often quite loudly). Years ago I noticed that some songs (and even artists) help with emotional pain a little bit. I don't mean they only distract me from it – they literally make me feel better. Weird? Maybe. But damn, at least it works.

This "Life OST" consists of songs capable of soothing my emotional pain. While I can call all of them my favourites, not all my favourite songs actually help. Why? I have no idea.

Okay, less babbling, more music. Enjoy!

The Crüxshadows "Angelus Everlasting"

I have to admit The Crüxshadows is one of my favourite bands, if not the favourite. I started listening to them around 2010 and know all their albums by heart. Doesn't matter what song they make, I'm never disappointed. Also Rogue, leader of the band, is one of the nicest musicians in the world.

"Angelus Everlasting" is a perfect representation what I love on The CXS' music. It has pleasant melody aided by amazing electronics and decent violin parts, emotional and relatable lyrics and gorgeous vocal. To be honest, I absolutely adore Rogue's voice, it's so warm and soft... In general, the CXS' songs are very helpful when it comes to coping with depression, but for some reason this one is special. Maybe it's because of the topic or the fact Rogue sounds even more beautiful there, I'm not sure.

DADAROMA "ルシッド・ドリーム"

I have to admit, DADAROMA is one of my favourite bands, if not the favourite... Fuck, I'm repeating myself. Okay, never mind. What I wanted to say is, as with The CXS, I love everything DADAROMA produces: new songs, old songs, just everything. These guys are so wildly creative they never fail to amaze me. Also, again, I love the vocals – Yoshiatsu is so talented in both singing and growling.

The song itself is so melodic I can't help but sway to the music. Also, the vocal is very soothing. It's pretty easy for me to just get lost in it and forget about everything else...

Rammstein "Spieluhr"

Because there is nothing more comforting than song about a dead child... I know it may seem strange, but for some reason such a dark song really helps me. May it be the steady rhythm, Till's deep vocals or melodic guitars, I don't know. Also, I have really soft spot for music boxes, I love when they are incorporated in the melody.

Schnuffel "Ich will zu dir"

Okay, you can laugh now.
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Done? Great. Now, let me explain, what a song like this is doing here.

In primary school one of my friends would often look up interesting clips on YouTube, record them with her phone and then show them to me and our other friends. This is how I came across Schnuffel. I just got hooked on his music. I managed to make my parents buy me his CDs, a Schnuffel sweatshirt, a Schnuffel mug and a Schnuffel key charm. Time was passing and I stopped listening to this cute bunny in favour of more, well, mature music (of course, I didn't forget about Schnuffel entirely, I still thought about him with nostalgia)... Fast forward to more present times. It happened last year. One evening I got a severe anxiety attack (reason doesn't matter), probably one of the worst ones in my entire life. I had no idea, what to do. In a fit of desperation I popped Schnuffel's CD in a disc man and played this song as loud as I could bear. And again. And again. And again. And again. And you know? It worked. I couldn't believe it, but somehow it fucking worked. Since then Schnuffel made a glorious comeback to my music player and now acts as a help in overcoming mental problems. Crazy? As hell. But damn, is something seems dumb but works, then this something is definitely not dumb.

Blue Stahli "Lakes of Flame"

I started listening to Blue Stahli several months ago and this is one of the songs I like the most. I adore how melodic it is, especially the guitars. I also like the fact it's quite repetitive – it always calms me down.

オカメP feat. Megurine Luka "ココロ, ユラユラ"

I usually say that オカメP has golden fingers when it comes to producing vocaloid music. His songs are always invasive and full of emotions, listening to them tend to have cathartic effect. This one is no exception. Mix of electronics and metal drown the listener in sound and Luka's soft voice has very soothing effect. While I love all オカメP's songs, this one is very special. I can listen to it on repeat and it always helps me, no matter what.

Also, let's take a moment to appreciate Ruuya's amazing artwork. So much talent...

James Egbert feat. Nina Sung "Exit Wounds (Cappa Regime Remix)"

It's one of these songs I usually can't listen to just one time – I always play it at least several times, sometimes put it on repeat. This music has something mesmerising in it, especially in the melody. The song itself is rather repetitive, but, as i mentioned earlier, it calms me down. Not to mention the fact dubstep is perfect for drowning existential pain.

D I V I N I T Y "Drown"

When I heard this song for the first time, I thought it's quite unsettling. (And I loved it). You may wonder, how a song like this may help me cope with an anxiety and similar. Well, it's quite easy: it's very melodic and also deep. By "deep" I mean the sound is very low, a little bit raspy and it "fills" listener's skull. I like this effect, it always makes me feel better.

ATB "Humanity"

I found this song on a CD my sister bought with a magazine years ago. I have no idea, who the creator is and, to be honest, it doesn't bother me much. However, I love this song. It's so melodic and emotional, not to mention beautiful lyrics. I listen to it especially when I feel stressed, it calms my nerves.

Also, fun fact: this music video was recorded in Poland. You can even spot some writings in Polish.


I think it isn't very surprising how different these songs are... Or are they? Let's see what they have in common: they are melodic, repetitive and tend to "drown" listener's with sound. Mix of these traits calms me, when I feel stressed or have a panic attack, distracts me, when I feel useless, fills the emptiness in my mind. To put it simply: they just help me. Of course, the list of songs doesn't end with the ones above, it goes on and on and even grows. But it's okay. The more music like that, the better I feel.

Dear 10 Years Old Kiki

Today is our birthday. A very important birthday: you've already lived one decade, I – two. I know you are longing for my age. You think you will finally be important, independent, that people will finally take you seriously. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Hitting magical barrier of adulthood (not even coming of age, being 18 doesn't really matter) doesn't change anything. There is no change in your mind that suddenly makes you more reliable, mature etc. It doesn't change the way people think about you, either. Actually, for most of them (especially your family) you are still a child. But does that mean I want to be 10 again? Hell, no. I've learnt too many things during last 10 years and I want to share them with you.

Before I proceed: I know, you hate being given advice. Damn, I hate it too. Problem with giving someone advice is you never know full context. What works for one person, doesn't have to work the same way for other and vice versa. Actually, universal piece if advice doesn't even exist. That's why I never take others' advice blindly. I always analyse it and then, eventually, do as I was told. Do I make mistakes? Of course, everyone makes them. But sometimes it's much better to do as you please and make a mistake than to follow someone's advice and then be dissatisfied with an effect.

Actually, rules work similar way. Of course, there are situations, where you must follow rules and doesn't matter how absurd they are. But sometimes you can rebel. How can you tell apart these situations? Again, there are no general rules about it. You just have to think. And this is the only rule I want you to follow: never stop thinking. Analyse. Give anything you encounter a careful consideration. You are still not sure, what to do? Think, if anyone gets hurt. Because everything is okay as long as no one gets hurt.

Always.

To be honest, there is one, peculiar situation in which I would like to encourage you to rebel against rules. This situation is art. For me, art is free. It should never be bound by any rules. Damn, the best artists always rebel against common rules. I know, people may laugh at you. They will say that your art is horrible. Some of them may try giving you advice. Actually, I often have heated discussions with others regarding art. I usually am given advice. Do I obey? Mostly, no. I don't doubt others' talents and competence, but you know... Art is very personal thing and even the best piece of advice has no sense when person getting it doesn't like it. When you create something, you must like it first. You and no one else.

Oh, and fuck all people, who constantly babble about improving your technique. If you like it, there is no reason to improve it. Of course, I don't discourage you from experimenting, experiment as much as you like. But don't surrender to pressure of constantly improving, especially, when nothing's wrong. You are the only person that knows what your art needs and aiming for impossibly ambitious goal will only make you hate what you do. You don't have to be the best, being good is enough... But, of course, if you want to be the best, it's okay. Your life, your art, your choice.

As I mentioned, many people won't like what you do. This always happens, pleasing everyone at the same time is impossible. It applies also to other things: school, private life, relationships... There will be people, who like you, people, who hate you and people, who "generally like you, but...". The last category is the worst. In general, people who want others to change are horrible. I don't get why they can't accept others the way they are. How to deal with them? Just ignore them. As long as nobody gets hurt no one has the right to tell you who you should be. You can be sweet, dark, creepy, vulgar, deadpan, everything at the same time and it will be all right (of course, swearing in front of your teacher, boss or someone like that is a bad idea, but, you know, that's the context I was talking about). You will still be the same decent goth lady you are and if people don't accept it, then they aren't worth your attention. Egoistic? Maybe. But goddammit, everyone should be a little egoistic to maintain good mental health.

I know, you are thinking now that you want me to shut up and stop telling you what to do. Well, you don't have to do everything I said (actually, wanting you to follow it all after my earlier rant about taking advice would mean I'm a hypocrite, wouldn't it?). You are the queen of your life and you choose, what to do. Everything I said is based on various experiences I had in my life, but yours can be completely different. Just go on. Live. Analyse. Try new things. Or stick to the ones you know. Because no matter who you are and what you do, as long as no one gets hurt, it's okay. I know I'm repeating myself. But this is important: you are okay. Always.

And I love you.

Happy birthday, darling.




PS There is one thing I want to ask you to do: take better care of your health, okay? I've just hit 20 and I can't function without pills. I've been damaging my health for years just because I tried to be the best at school and, in the end, it wasn't even worth it. No one gives a fuck about your grades when you are an adult...

Clowns, gays and puppers or I have a problem with IT

Actually, I managed to miss most of boom for King's "IT". I read the book several years ago (six? Seven? Something like that) and when "It: Chapter One" was released I was too much occupied with things like severe depression and my crumbling social life to care about it. I finally watched it... "It"... Fuck, it's the worst possible name for a book/movie ever. Let's just call it "Chapter One", okay? So, I finally watched "Chapter One" last Summer with my best friend. We decided on the spot to see the second part in the cinema. And we did it. And I have a problem.

I mean, I have no idea what should I think about both movies.

But I know what I think about the poster: it's one of the best movie posters I've ever seen.

Before I proceed, I just want to stress there will be a lot of spoilers, especially for "Chapter Two", so

SPOILER ALERT

Despite being an "adaptation purist" I'm not going to point out the differences between book and movies... Or, at least, not all of them. To be honest, I don't remember much details about the novel and the fact it's so fucking long you can basically kill with it doesn't help. I also understand that, because of its length and form, doing faithful adaptation is pretty impossible. King has very peculiar style of writing, which doesn't translate well into movies. However, I still don't get why the most interesting parts of the story got left out. I don't demand to make half of the movie talk about Patrick Hockstetter and his sadistic tendencies, but damn, it would be nice if he and rest of Bowers' gang had a little bit more screen time instead of just being there and getting killed. The same goes for Tom Rogan and Audra Denbrough. They are pretty important characters in the book and it's disappointing each of them got just one short scene. I know adding their subplots would make "Chapter Two" much longer, but the final confrontation with Pennywise is so boring, shortening it in favour of Tom and Audra's scenes would be only beneficial.

But the biggest change that hit me hard is picturing Stan's suicide as heroic sacrifice. In the book Stan kills himself, because he's too scared to face It again. In the movie he does the same... But it's okay, because if he lived, he wouldn't be able to fight Pennywise and rest of characters would fail without him. In a letter he states that being dead doesn't count and Losers can win while being aided by his spirit. No, really. I'll be honest: WHAT THE FUCK, SCREENWRITERS?! Glorifying suicide is the worst thing to do EVER, not to mention the justification is lame as hell. Damn, it actually paints suicide as the best thing you can do when not being able to overcome your fears. I don't want to think how much harm will watching this scene do in suicidal people's minds. Really, this world doesn't need any more Werther-like shit. (By the way, Stan doesn't make a good Werther. Werther was way more annoying).

Another problem I have with both movies is they are not scary at all. I mean, I know everyone has different tolerance, but I expect horrors to create at least tense atmosphere. They don't have to make me scream, I just want them to make me feel uneasy. Unfortunately, both chapters fail miserably (at least in field of "typical scares", but I will talk about it later). "Chapter One" is just one, never ending festivals of jump scares. It wouldn't be a bad thing, jump scares can be pretty effective if utilised well. Consider "Layers of Fear". There are lots of jump scares. However, the game itself has an amazing climate, which brings players on the edge of their seats, waiting for next scary thing to happen. For me, "Chapter One" lacks said climate. More, most attempts of building it only spoil upcoming scares. Goddammit, I was able to predict most of jump scares before they happened! And I'm not very good at it, really!

"Chapter Two" is slightly better in scaring, but eventual atmosphere gets quickly killed by pacing problems (as I mentioned, final fight is long, chaotic and horribly boring) and gags. Especially gags. There is nothing bad in mixing horror with comedy, but the way it is done in "Chapter Two" makes me wonder if particular scenes were actually meant to be scary or just funny. Okay, the Pomeranian puppy scene is funny. So is the vomiting leper scene (I know how it sounds, but don't worry, it makes sense in the context... Kinda). But what about flashback with Ben being tormented at school? It is so over the top I just couldn't take it seriously. Similarly, Mrs. Kersh. Her way of moving? Unsettling. Glimpses of her decaying body? Creepy. Her transforming into twisted, CGI witch? Um... She looks strange, but not scary. The fact moment earlier she runs around apartment completely naked only adds to general WTFness of this scene. WTFness, but not scariness.

But my absolute favourite in terms of destroying horror is the festival scene. First, we get very tense build up with Bill rushing to save a boy threatened by Pennywise. Then, he gets lost in maze of mirrors. When he finally reaches the boy, he is stopped by a glass wall he can't break. The boy gets trapped in a glass box with Bill on one side and Pennywise on the other... Who proceeds to lick the glass.

No, really. He licks the glass. And looks like an animal. Damn, just look at this:

Lick lickity lick!

And now at this:

Slurp!

I see no difference. (Okay, the dog is cuter, but you get the idea...)

And what about the way the ritual got mangled? The original one is creepy as hell. Even the most bizarre things about it, like biting the tongues or the fact heroes are supported by a galaxy-vomiting turtle (an evidence of King's genius or sign he was totally smashed during writing. Or both), doesn't stand out. What we have in the movie? Setting the fire in a wooden (!) container (or at least it looks like wood. Or skin. Just something flammable), putting there things that induce nostalgia and chanting some magic words. As you can imagine, the whole scene is as cheesy as it sounds. I'm not surprised that this version doesn't work. Damn, occult "rituals" my best friend was doing in the primary school were more convincing than this.

However, there is one thing "Chapter Two" does decently – it shows that humans are real monsters. Only scene that actually is scary is murder of Adrian Mellon. Watching him and his boyfriend getting beaten just because they weren't straight made me really uncomfortable. Actually, I was really scared. The fear wasn't fuelled by the fact it could happen. What is really scary about this scene is things like that happen. As you can remember, my country's actual government isn't very kind towards LGBT+ society. It makes "Chapter Two's" beginning even more terrifying to watch. The worst thing? The attackers don't even get punished. And it happens in real life...

This little fact also explains, why Richie's story hit me so much. While it's only suggested in the book, the movies make it clear he's a closeted homosexual (or bisexual, only his attraction towards men is confirmed) and his rants about women and sex are a way of coping with it. Actually, his arc is very tragic. Because of being raised in very homophobic neighbourhood he had no opportunity to accept himself and grew up believing he should hide his true self. His true fear aren't clowns – he's afraid that his surroundings will learn about his secret and alienate him. Years later he still stays in his closet, alone and unhappy. Actually, he's only living member of the Losers Club who doesn't get a happy ending. He's been in love with his childhood friend, Eddie, for years (something I can relate – I've been crushing on my gorgeous classmate for really long and never managed to tell her). He had no courage to confess his love. And then Eddie got killed. In the end Richie still hasn't come out and, as a result, is doomed to grieve for the love of his life alone. This sight is truly heartbreaking.

Poor, poor Richie. This man deserves a hug. A lot of hugs...

As I said, I have no idea how to rate these movies. Did I enjoy them? Rather yes, but only because they are technically nice. But the rest... I still prefer book.

This poster isn't as good as "Chapter One's", but it's still very nice.

Image sources:
All movie stills were screenshot by me from official trailers and belong to Warner Bros. Pictures.
Trailer:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhJ5P7Up3jA

"Chapter One's" poster: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1396484/mediaviewer/rm2985515264
Doggie licking the glass: https://petsfans.com/this-is-the-reason-why-dogs-are-fond-of-licking-glass/
"Chapter Two's" poster: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7349950/mediaviewer/rm4174210304

Do goths dream about electric waifus?

Hello, sweethearts!

As you have probably noticed, I'm quite keen on drawing. And is there better topic for drawings than my favourite character from my favourite game?

Of course no, she is the best!

Because in "NieR: Automata" it's common to run into waterfalls, I decided to draw Binnie (yeah, I gave 2B an affectionate nickname) washing herself in one. I wanted to picture clash of her two characteristics: sexiness and innocence. For me, she is the most attractive character in the world of game characters (and rivalry here is strong!). In the same time she is also very sweet and innocent. Remember the part of the prologue when 2B observes birds? Or, later, is astonished by the rockets? Or every time when the game is left idle and she starts to stretch? Then you know what I'm talking about.

But this post isn't mean to boast I drew something... Okay, not only. I actually want to show whole drawing process!

Before I start, I want to set some things. Yes, there will be a little bit of nudity in this fan art (who takes bath in clothes?), but only a little bit. No, I have nothing against very sexy fan arts as long as they are kept tasteful. And no, I don't mind fanservice at all if it's done fair. What do I mean by "fair fanservice"? Well, for example, if male characters in the game have "normal" clothes, armours and so on, and females have only very revealing ones, that expose most of their bodies, then it's not fair. If there are characters who are only meant to be an eye candy, without any personality, then it's not fair too. Actually, a prime example of fair fanservice is in "NieR: Automata". Characters not only look amazing, but they also have deep personalities and different, complex motives. Player can blow up 2B's skirt... But there is no problem with blowing up 9S' pants and admiring his legs. And if someone prefers sexy, not-always-dressed men, then there are Adam and Eve.

Waiter, there are shirtless bishounen in my game!

 Tl;dr: Yoko Taro is a genius fair fanservice is when everyone are treated equally. And Yoko Taro is a genius.

Okay, enough for the start, let's get down to drawing.

The picture itself is digital, but I still started with a traditional sketch. Reason is simple: it's much easier for me, especially, when the drawing is more complicated.

As you can see, I always start with a head. I don't know if it's a proper way of drawing, but damn, I've been doing it for years and it's worked. After drawing the head's silhouette I proceed down...

...and down...

By the way, while drawing this I realised I can't draw boobs. Well, fuck.

...and after I'm done with the rest of the body (this time it was only waist, the rest would not be visible) I go back to the head. I draw face...

Eyes must be big and innocent!

...and hair.

After I finish the sketch, I scan it and transfer to my laptop.

I used to do the line art with fineliner, but after I changed my pencils it's not necessary.

Then I can proceed with drawing the digital version. Now, I use three programs: MyPaint 1.0, Krita 4.1.5 and GIMP 2.8. This time the last one wasn't used except adding the copyright note before uploading the picture to my DeviantArt account (old habit).

My main workplace.

I usually do the line art with PenBrush. I don't change the default brush settings, they're okay

The fact I can rotate the picture while drawing makes it much easier.

After I finish line art of the body, I upload it to Krita...

Person who invented OpenRaster extention is my hero.

...and colour it. I used to do the colouring in MyPaint, but, sadly, it lacks the filling tool and colouring with brushes would take ages.

Because Krita allows filling lines on other layer than I use, I always do that out of convenience. I also set the tool to add two pixels of filling under the line art. MyPaint's PenBrush doen't have sharp edges and I don't want any half-transparent pixels in my drawing.

The layer with filling looks like that.

Then I start doing the face.

Problem with eyebrows' colour is inevitable...

Doesn't matter, how hard I try, eyes never have the same size. Never.

Then I do the hair.

They are wet so they are a little bit darker.

I could finish with just one colour, many artists do something like that... But not me. Hair must look like hair, not a colourful stain.

But I must admit, drawing every fucking hair separately is annoying...

I mostly use three colours: one for the "hair base" and two for hair strands. Because I always end beyond the "hair base", I need to clean it up and erase the addictional pixels.

It's even more annoying...

A little checkup how Binnie looks with her face and hair...

My precious darling.

And I can take care of the water. Because I drew more body than will be visible, I had to cover it with addictional layers so it wouldn't look odd after I draw the background (erasing it would be too risky, I didn't want to touch the already finished layers).

I also added some water dropping from 2B's hair.

And, last but not least, the background (or "being pissed because I suck at drawing water").

After swithing off the colour layer I could position the waterfall more easily.

For waterfall I used two brushes: a half-transparent drawing one and a smearing one.

Because falling water was visible behing the foam, I had to make it a little bit transparent.

And a thicker foam.

Then I did the waves. I painted them on two layers, one behind 2B and one in front of her. I used the similar brushes to the waterfall ones.

Then I had to export the file, frame it and...

...it's done! Then I added the copyright note and uploaded the piece on my DeviantArt account. If you want to, you can download it there.

To be honest, I'm quite proud of this drawing. I think I captured Binnie's personality pretty well. Not to mention how much time it took me. Drawing isn't easy, especially the digital one...

PS Answering the question in the title: yes, they do. You have no idea how many times I have dreamt about "NieR: Automata" and its characters, especially my sweet Binnie. But I don't mind...




Image sources:
My beloved Binnie: https://www.polygon.com/2018/7/9/17549578/nier-automata-long-story-short-novel-release-date
Adam and Eve: https://nierautomata.wiki.fextralife.com/file/Nier-Automata/Adam_And_Eve.jpg?v=1516112364869

Stop calling me an ideology!

Hello, sweethearts!

This post won't be very pleasant. There are two reasons: primo, the subject is pretty serious. Secundo, I'm pissed. I'm absolutely, royally pissed and I'm never pleasant, when pissed.

Proper representation of me now.

And I'm pissed, because I'm sick of being treated like I wasn't a human being only because I'm not straight.

If someone follows news about Poland then they know the situation of Polish LGBT+ society is pretty bad. Homosexual couples don't have any opportunity to legalise their relationships. There are no same sex-marriages. They aren't allowed to adopt a child. The list goes on and on, but the worst thing is even discussing equal rights for non-hetero people is difficult as hell. The reason is simple: conservative politicians (mind the fact actual government is conservative) and mass media created a public enemy of us. According to them, we are not people, who just want to have normal life. We are "LGBT ideology", who spread "homopropaganda" and want to "destroy Polish families".

Sounds ridiculous, right? And what if I told you everything I had just written really happens?

"The LGBT dictatorship is coming. How to defend ourselves against it?"

The photo above is a cover of March issue of one of the most conservative magazines. Inside, article's author wrote that LGBT+ society wants to take control over world, rejects laws of nature (seems someone has never heard about animals' homosexuality...) and "LGBT+ declaration, signed by Warsaw's president, is a joining to nihilist experiment of social engineering" (don't ask me, what the fuck does that mean, i have no idea). The worst thing is, he was completely serious about this and there are many people, who think the same.

In October Kampania Przeciwko Homofobii (A Campaign against Homophobia), a non-governmental organisation fighting for LGBT+ rights, organised Rainbow Friday. Aim of this event was to spread tolerance in schools and show support for non-hetero pupils. Schools were supposed to organise lessons about equality and different sexual orientations. They also got special materials, for example posters and badges with mottos like "I'm a tolerant teacher". Do I have to say that rightists almost boiled when they heard about it? The chairman of Stały Komitet Rady Ministrów (sorry, I won't translate all organs' names, I don't want to get them wrong) called it an "indoctrination of youth", Wojciech Cejrowski (traveler, writer, journalist, rightist) wrote on his Twitter it was "teaching children perverted sexual acts" and "sexual abuse" and, on top of that, Ministry of Education decided to ban whole thing.

*claps* Great, just great. I'm sure children were delighted that the country takes care of them, especially LGBT+ ones.

On 20th of July The March of Equality was organised in Białystok. About 800 people took part in this peaceful demonstration. However, many people (especially soccer fans and Catholics) didn't like the idea of LGBT+ and people who support them showing that they, well, exist. And while people praying and wandering with banners saying "mom and dad are the most precious treasure in the world" (like it had something to do with being non-straight... Also, what with people who are infertile? Or just don't want to have children?) were rather harmless, soccer fans decided to attack the March. Yeah, you read it right: people got attacked just for taking part in an equality demonstration. They had stones and bottles thrown on them, got beat and kicked, also after the event ended. The March was protected by police, but even they had problems with attackers. Wanna see the hell? Type "marsz równości białystok 2019" in YouTube search bar. I dare you.

Oh, and don't forger about the man, who brought a baby to the anti-LGBT+ manifestation.

Father of the Year, goddammit.

Actually, Polish Church as a whole is very anti-LGBT+, to the point, that people leave Catholicism at all just because they're fed up with it. Catholic media often bash us for our sole existence and, when we try to defend ourselves, they say we "attack Church". Yeah, but when Church attacks us, everything's right. Archbishop Jędraszewki even called us "rainbow disease". When he got called out for this (of course, not by rightists, they think it was okay), he defended himself, saying he didn't mean people are, he meant ideology.

Once more, with bigger letters.

WE ARE PEOPLE, NOT AN IDEOLOGY!!!

Of course, it's not the end!

Last month "Gazeta Polska" ("The Polish Newspaper") announced stickers with crossed rainbow and "LGBT-free zone" writing will be added to new issues. After several chains of shops (including one of the most popular media and press products selling one, Empik) announced they wouldn't distribute said issues, "Gazeta Polska" cancelled its plans... Only to start distributing "LGBT ideology-free zone" stickers.

Holy. Motherfucking. Shit.

WE ARE PEOPLE, NOT AN IDEOLOGY!!!

And how many fucking times am I fucking supposed to fucking say that?!

There is a project called Stop Pedofilii (Stop Paedophilia), led by a pro-life (or rather anti-choice) non-governmental organisation. They present themselves as fighting against sexual harassment of children... While they fight with sexual education. Yep. In Polish schools there is no sexual education, only "wychowanie do życia w rodzinie" (roughly translates into "upbringing to life in family"), which has nothing to do with sexual education. In case someone didn't know the consequences of it, children aren't properly taught about their bodies, adolescence and, the most important, that no one should touch them without their consent and what to do in case of harassment... Which means there is higher probability of them being the victims of sexual abuse, because they have no idea what's going on. Do people associated with Stop Pedofilii care about it? No. They are too busy spreading lies that sexual education is "promoting homosexualism, masturbation and other sexual activities". They also do everything to make people associate LGBT+ with paedophilia. Sounds absurd? Yes. Hard to believe? Yes. Do you need evidence? Here you are:

"Paedophilia occurs 20 times more frequently among homosexuals."

I couldn't believe some people can be that dumb... Until I spotted exactly the same banner on my way to university. So yes, it happens, it happens all the time. Stop Pedofilii also spent most of Summer collecting signatures under sexual education banning bill. And people kept signing it...

And now the crème de la crème, the last straw that pushed me to writing this post.

On 10th and 11th of August in Kielce a disco polo festival was held. Disco polo is a very popular in Poland type of dance music, characterised by simple melodies and lyrics. Nowadays most of songs are about sex, usually described in very straightforward, even vulgar way... Which didn't stop people from bringing small children to Kielce's festival. Yes, people brought children to listen songs about fucking and see dancers doing rather erotic choreography. More, one of vocalists actually approached a little girl on the audience and sang to her "you can shake your butt, you move beautifully, you've just become an object of desire". Fuck the context, he basically told her she had a nice ass. A LITTLE GIRL. WHERE WERE ALL THOSE FIGHTERS, WHO PROTECT THE CHILDREN FROM SEXUALISATION?!

Oh, I forgot, there were battling "LGBT ideology". Talk about double standards...





Image sources:
Pissed gif: https://media1.tenor.com/images/68bdb7f778cf76bfaa256ebf53164558/tenor.gif?itemid=5591675
"Do Rzeczy" cover: https://wiadomosci.wp.pl/nadciaga-dyktatura-lgbt-homoterror-okladki-tygodnikow-6360396706306177a
Father of the Year: https://poranny.pl/marsz-rownosci-w-bialymstoku-mezczyzna-ktory-zaslanial-sie-dzieckiem-przed-policja-zostal-zatrzymany-zdjecia/ga/c1-14293793/zd/37465039
Homophobic car: http://www.tokfm.pl/Tokfm/7,130517,23981273,we-wroclawiu-pojawil-sie-plakat-laczacy-homoseksualizm-z-pedofilia.html 

Festival of love and joy (Eurovision 2019, part 2)

Grand final is only part of Eurovision I always watch live. I also vote (and always have problem with choosing). And, as I promised, this note will cover songs from ESC 2019 final. Enjoy!

26. United Kingdom: Michael Rice "Bigger Than Us"

The universe is bigger than us, huh? No shit, Sherlock... Okay, jokes aside. To be honest, this song is quite okay, maybe a little bit boring. I like the visuals – galaxy-like animations always look great, especially on such big screens. However, performance as a whole is too bland for ESC and I if UK wasn't in Big Five, this song probably wouldn't make it to the final.

Or maybe it would, no one knows what people vote for during semi-finals...

25. Germany: S!sters "Sister"

Hey, this song is great, why did it score so little points? I absolutely love the message and how emotional the performance itself is. Adding footage of singers in the background was fantastic choice, it nicely embraces the emotions. It's a pity Germany had no luck this year.

24. Belarus: ZENA "Like it"

Very energetic performance, I especially like the choreography. Also, ZENA has amazing voice and charisma, not to mention singing and dancing in the same time is rather difficult.

Wait... She is four years YOUNGER than me?! AND SHE HAS ALREADY MADE AN INTERNATIONAL CAREER?!
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Fuck, what have I done wrong I'm still unrecognisable?

23. Israel: Kobi Marimi "Home"

Oh my... That's probably the most emotional performance this year. Kobi definitely gave his whole heart into singing, you can clearly hear it in his voice. I didn't like the song that much, just not my type, but the way it's performed... Simply amazing.

22. Spain: Miki "La Venda"

I absolutely adore how cheerful and colourful Spain's entry is! Upbeat songs like this are perfect for summer and I love when they are submitted for ESC among sad and serious ballads. You can clearly see how the artists are enjoying themselves during performance. And the group hug was just cute.

21. Greece: Katerine Duska "Better Love"

This entry is so... pink. And I love it. Really, the atmosphere is amazing. Clothes and scene give a little bit fairytale vibes. Song itself is also very decent, Katerine clearly is vocally talented. I also like the girls with spades, very original idea. In general, whole performance is simply lovely.

20. Estonia: Victor Crone "Storm"

To be honest, I was rather disappointed with this entry. Estonia slayed last year and this year it's just... Meh. It isn't a bad performance, but it has also nothing special. I mean, Victor doesn't have to wear a huge, visuals displaying dress or so, but the song itself should be something more than just an ordinary pop song. Especially after ESC 2018's crazy performance...

19. San Marino: Serhat "Say Na Na Na"

...the fuck? No, really: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! It starts as a last century's disco rip-off and then... I have no idea what to say. This song is so, so, SO bad, San Marino really had guts to send it to ESC. Well, at least internet will remember this entry thanks to memes.

Don't judge me, I had been studying medical chemistry for almost a year...

18. Serbia: Nevena Božović "Kruna"

I don't usually listen to songs like "Kruna", but I fell in love with it. Nevena sounds like an angel, especially in the chorus. Smoke and visuals match emotional tone of this song quite well, making an amazing entry. And I have never thought Serbian is such a beautiful language... However, there is one thing I don't like about this song – the English lines stick out like a sore thumb.

17. Albania: Jonida Maliqui "Ktheju Tokës"

Definitely one of my favourite entries this year. I live the eerie feeling this song has, not to mention powerful vocals. I also love the fact the lyrics are entirely in Albanian, English would definitely kill this song. I mean, whole performance feel extremely ethnic, it would be impossible to keep this character while using other language.

16. France: Bilal Hassani "Roi"

My relationship with French music is... Well... Complicated. However, this entry changed it. I fell in love with this song from the very beginning, I love how body positive the whole performance is (the dancers were simply amazing). In the world full of fat shaming and similar, it's really important that songs with such message are made.

But coming back to the entry itself: I think France should have won this year. Really, this performance is a masterpiece! I like how well the visuals are synchronized with lyrics. Also, Bilal's singing is pure pleasure to listen. I love his dancing too, this boy is so skilled... I have to check rest of his songs... And his vlogs... (How to learn French in a very short time? I can only say "Bonjour!" and "Je m'appelle crêpe").

Bilal's such a cutie, I just want to hug him.

15. Slovenia: Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl "Sebi"

Another entry I hoped would win... It's one of this songs, which you can actually feel. I adore how intimate this performance is, you can clearly see the love between Zala and Gašper. It's hard not to smile while watching they perform together. Also, the song itself is so mesmerizing and ethereal, pure magic... Slovenia definitely deserved a better score.

And I just melted at the end. They're so cute.

14. Malta: Michela Pace "Chameleon"

Looks like an advertisement for some wall paints.
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Okay, jokes aside. Another happy, colourful entry. The song isn't my cup of tea, but I like how well performed it is. Also, I absolutely love the choreography (it's so cute!) and visuals. Especially visuals, they are so creative.

13. Cyprus: Tamta "Replay"

Such a sexy entry. Really, everything in this performance just drips with sex appeal: Tamta's amazing vocal, her mesmerizing moves, her appearance... I heard some people complained about her outfit, they thought it was too revealing. For me, it's perfectly matching overall tone of the entry. And damn, I want these boots...

12. Denmark: Leonora "Love Is Forever"

This is so sweet I just got diabetes. *plays DIMLIM before coming back to writing* Okay, I like sweet, lovely, cute and adorable things, but being like this is not enough for me. I mean, the song itself is so bland... I like the idea, but the music is just too boring, at least for me. But kudos for the multilingual lyrics, especially "Liebe ist für alle da" part.

Rammstein approves.

11. Czech Republic: Lake Malawi "Friend of a Friend"

Actually, it's a nice, very catchy song, just perfect for some parties or so. However, I didn't like this entry much. I mean, it's very well done, but the music doesn't matches my taste. I had the same problem with the previous one... And, to be honest, both sound so similar I had a deja vu.

10. Iceland: Hatari "Hatrið mun sigra"

Okay, there were many great entries this year, but this is my favourite among favourites. Really, my gothic heart has never been so pleased by an ESC song (and I was saying the same thing last year after hearing AWS). This performance is awesome, I love everything: concept, music, vocals, message, choreography, visuals, staging, costumes, every damn thing is just PERFECT. I'm positively surprised that Iceland got such a high score this year, I was sure most people would get scared of this crazy bondage orgy.

Also, I'm absolutely in love with Klemens' voice. It's so high and smooth... In general, I'm very fond of Klemens, he's such a cinnamon roll. (I want to hug him too).

And let's be honest, drummer with a hammer stole the show.

Are you on the square? Are you on the level?

9. Australia: Kate Miller-Heidke "Zero Gravity"

Holy shit... This is epic. This is simply EPIC. When I thought I've seen everything, Australia brought a singer with opera voice (I absolutely love it!), who sings while swaying on giant stick. My basophobia just goes crazy from looking at it, Kate and the dancers must have been brave as hell to perform like this. Moreover, they did they best. Stunning, isn't it?

Also, I like the visuals (galaxies, galaxies are always great). And the message. Especially the message. As a person, who has been dealing with depression for years, it's really uplifting that some people are not afraid of this topic.

8. Azerbaijan: Chingiz "Truth"

The song is... Quite enjoyable to listen. I mean, nothing special, but also not bad. However, the performance... I just fell in love with it. The futuristic vibe feels great, the visuals look absolutely stunning. And I adore the robots, robots are always awesome!

So awesome!

7. North Macedonia: Tamara Todevska "Proud"

I like the message of this song and... That's all. Okay, it's very well performed, Tamara has good, strong vocal, but, unfortunately, I don't particularly like this entry. (But I like the dress. Really like).

6. Norway: KEiiNO "Spirit in the Sky"

Another entry I hoped would win. I absolutely adore the song, it's so catchy I can't stop listening to it. Mixing EDM with Norwegian folk was a great idea (actually, I had never heard before about joik. Man learns their whole life, huh?). Add some stunning visuals and you get a song that deserves to win.

(See, Poland? THIS is how to promote country's folklore, goddammit!)

5. Sweden: John Ludvik "Too Late for Love"

Judging by YouTube comments, it's one of the internet's favourite songs this year. Well, performance is rather okay, but the song itself... Definitely not my type. I wouldn't call it bad, I just don't like it.

4. Switzerland: Luca Hänni "She Got Me"

Very catchy song with energetic performance, I like it. Luca has amazing stage persona, it's hard not to be endeared by him. Also the choreography is awesome, so powerful. No doubt why people like it.

3. Russia: Sergey Lazarev "Scream"

In 2016 Russia and Sergey just won my heart with "You Are The Only One", not only by epic visuals, but also absolutely enjoyable song (I like to listen to it from time to time). It had been said this year's entry is even better, so I expected a blast... And got disappointed as hell. The song is mean to be very emotional, but for me is just extremely bland. Sergey's vocal is okay, but the music is nothing special. The visuals also aren't even half good as in 2016. Okay, maybe I wouldn't be that bitter if I didn't love the old song... But I loved. And I hoped for something much, much better.

2. Italy: Mahmood "Soldi"

Two years ago, Italy sent a totally wild entry. Year ago, it was minimalistic and serious. Seems that this year they finally stroke a balance. (Which doesn't mean I didn't like the previous ones, because i liked, especially the 2018 one). Unfortunately, the song itself doesn't suit my taste, but I like the performance. It's well done, has amazing visuals and choreography. Even if the meaning is rather sad, the entry itself is still very enjoyable.

1. The Netherlands: Duncan Laurence "Arcade"

And here we are, the winner... To be honest, I was disappointed as hell. I mean, it's not a bad entry. The music is nice, the vocal is nice, the visuals are nice too. Everything is so... Nice. Only nice. I don't see anything special about this performance, for me it blends with other ballads. Nevertheless, congrats to Duncan, he did amazing job.

(But I still think the piano could have at least burst into flames!)


Actually, even if I complained a little bit, I still enjoyed whole contest and I just can't wait for ESC 2020. Eurovision, see you in the Netherlands!






Image sources:
Base for Serhat meme: https://i0.wp.com/oneurope.co.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/rop-e1557476170590.jpg?w=968&ssl=1
Bilal: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bilal_Hassani#/media/File:Bilal_hassani_NRJ_Reims_79785.jpg
Rammstein: https://it.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ich_tu_dir_weh#/media/File:Ich_tu_dir_weh.png
Hatari: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hatari_(band)#/media/File:Iceland-Hatari-ESC2019-002.jpg
Awesome robots: http://d2ybq9unw89ve4.cloudfront.net/tv/2019/05/18/eurovision-song-contest-final-2019-pictures/chingiz-azerbaijan-performs-song-truth/