Almost my whole childhood I used to have long hair. Shiny, thick, with deeply brown colour – the same as my grandma's. I used to wear it in braid, which was so heavy, it would made a nice weapon. Little me was extremely proud of it.
But then I went to school.
You see, long hair may be beautiful, but can also be extremely troublesome, especially when you're a child. Washing and drying mine took hours, same with brushing. I wore it in braid 'cause I had no other choice – wearing it down or as a ponytail tangled it as hell. It used to get caught in school's chairs' loose screws every time I sat down. And, last but not least, boys at my class always bullied me by pulling my braid (of course, no adult reacted to it, "boys will be boys" and similar shit).
I was 10, when I snapped and decided to cut my hair.
Of course, it wasn't an easy decision... Or rather my family didn't take it well. I had been growing my hair basically my whole life, 10 fucking years. I could sit on it. But still, I wanted to have it cut as short as possible.
And I did it. Of course, I needed to convince my parents that yes, I REALLY wanted it. And, later, I took the braid (I asked the hairdresser to give it to me instead if throwing it away) and gifted it to my grandma, 'cause she didn't like the fact I got rid of my hair. I felt like I was making a bizarre offering to hair gods.
But hey, I finally had a new haircut! My bob reached barely below my ears and didn't look bad.
Of course, it was only a beginning of the story of my hairstyle.
For rest of the primary school and then junior high I couldn't decide on what I want to do with my hair. I grew it, then have it cut, then grew it again, then got impatient and have it cut etc., you know the drill. There were also times, when I had a fringe and fuck, never again. But still, no matter what I did, it still wasn't the hairstyle I wanted to keep.
I don't remember, when I got an idea for asymmetrical haircut. My mom didn't agree on me having all of my hair on one side (and believe me or not, but mom's advice was sacred for me), so I settled with having one side shorter than the other. No shaving, the difference was of several centimetres. On the beginning of high school I also got front of my hair bleached to platinum blonde – I just wanted it to be bicolour.
Time passed, the difference in length between both sides of my hair grew bigger – I kept right half long and had left one cut short. At one point I also started dying the bleached part (what a surprise) purple – my favourite colour. Then I got more hair bleached and dyed purple. Then more.
I was on first year of studies (then it was medical chemistry), when I had my whole head dyed purple. And, while I loved it, it still wasn't enough. I still wasn't entirely comfortable with my hair, something was missing.
Some time later I remembered a photo of Skrillex I saw in high school and then I realised – a sidecut. What I was missing was a sidecut.
Of course, my family advised me against it. Cutting your hair short is one thing, having part of it completely shaved was another one. I listened to them... For a while. Several months ago I went full "oh, fuck it" and, after being hyped by my friends and my therapist, I asked my hairdresser to shave left half of my head. And guess what?
That was it. That was exactly what I wanted. The moment I looked in the mirror after the hairdresser finished working was the moment when I finally felt good with my hair.
When I finally felt that the goth, that was looking back at me, was... Well, me.
But then I went to school.
You see, long hair may be beautiful, but can also be extremely troublesome, especially when you're a child. Washing and drying mine took hours, same with brushing. I wore it in braid 'cause I had no other choice – wearing it down or as a ponytail tangled it as hell. It used to get caught in school's chairs' loose screws every time I sat down. And, last but not least, boys at my class always bullied me by pulling my braid (of course, no adult reacted to it, "boys will be boys" and similar shit).
I was 10, when I snapped and decided to cut my hair.
Of course, it wasn't an easy decision... Or rather my family didn't take it well. I had been growing my hair basically my whole life, 10 fucking years. I could sit on it. But still, I wanted to have it cut as short as possible.
And I did it. Of course, I needed to convince my parents that yes, I REALLY wanted it. And, later, I took the braid (I asked the hairdresser to give it to me instead if throwing it away) and gifted it to my grandma, 'cause she didn't like the fact I got rid of my hair. I felt like I was making a bizarre offering to hair gods.
But hey, I finally had a new haircut! My bob reached barely below my ears and didn't look bad.
Of course, it was only a beginning of the story of my hairstyle.
For rest of the primary school and then junior high I couldn't decide on what I want to do with my hair. I grew it, then have it cut, then grew it again, then got impatient and have it cut etc., you know the drill. There were also times, when I had a fringe and fuck, never again. But still, no matter what I did, it still wasn't the hairstyle I wanted to keep.
I don't remember, when I got an idea for asymmetrical haircut. My mom didn't agree on me having all of my hair on one side (and believe me or not, but mom's advice was sacred for me), so I settled with having one side shorter than the other. No shaving, the difference was of several centimetres. On the beginning of high school I also got front of my hair bleached to platinum blonde – I just wanted it to be bicolour.
Time passed, the difference in length between both sides of my hair grew bigger – I kept right half long and had left one cut short. At one point I also started dying the bleached part (what a surprise) purple – my favourite colour. Then I got more hair bleached and dyed purple. Then more.
I was on first year of studies (then it was medical chemistry), when I had my whole head dyed purple. And, while I loved it, it still wasn't enough. I still wasn't entirely comfortable with my hair, something was missing.
Some time later I remembered a photo of Skrillex I saw in high school and then I realised – a sidecut. What I was missing was a sidecut.
Of course, my family advised me against it. Cutting your hair short is one thing, having part of it completely shaved was another one. I listened to them... For a while. Several months ago I went full "oh, fuck it" and, after being hyped by my friends and my therapist, I asked my hairdresser to shave left half of my head. And guess what?
That was it. That was exactly what I wanted. The moment I looked in the mirror after the hairdresser finished working was the moment when I finally felt good with my hair.
When I finally felt that the goth, that was looking back at me, was... Well, me.
***
Lately I've started braiding my hair. Of course, many people joke, that I'm coming back to my roots.
I wouldn't call it like that.
As a child, I had to wear my hair braided. It was more convenient this way. Also, my family liked it. Now I'm doing it, 'cause I want to. 'Cause I am the one who really wants it.
You see, my haircut has more meaning than "looking good". For me it's a way of owning my appearance. The years of experiments with cuts and colours weren't supposed to find something I look good with – if I only cared about how my hairstyle looks like to others, I'd probably have asked the hairdresser to make me look fancy or something. I wanted to find a look that expressed who I am. To match my outside with who I am on the inside.
Of course, it's not the end. Now, when I finally found a cut I feel comfortable with, I want to grow the non-shaved part. My goal is to have it reach my lower ribs and I think that I'm actually capable of achieving it. I'm patient. And the most important thing: even now I'm satisfied with my look.